Silentium
by mrnaylor930
Summary: It's been three months. Three whole months with absolutely no leads and no new evidence. She thought it would get easier. Thought that if she could just get through every day then the next would be better. She was wrong. She was wrong until today. Today her life changed for the better. (AU after season 6 finale)
1. Chapter 1

It's been three months. Three whole months with absolutely no leads and no new evidence. She thought it would get easier. Thought that if she could just get through every day then the next would be better. She was wrong. It was killing her. She tried burying herself in the case to get answers. She tried drinking to forget the pain of not having him by her side. She tried staying away from his family, her family, to distance herself from his memory. She tried everything and nothing worked. Until today.

Today she stopped in her tracks as she fumbled for the Tylenol bottle in her medicine cabinet. Today she stopped breathing as her box of tampons caught her eye and she began counting backwards in her head. Today she broke down sobbing on the hard tile floor of her bathroom because she knew. She knew without even taking a test that this was happening. Today she turned her life around.

She called her doctor with tears still streaming down her face, and scheduled the soonest appointment possible. For the next three hours she cleaned.

It was a therapeutic act. Having something to do with her hands allowed her to let go of the worries and sadness that threatened to consume her thoughts. Her lifestyle had been awful in the past three months. Between the insomnia, her lack of appetite, and to mention her complete lack of care for herself. There is no telling what that has done to this baby. Her baby, their baby. She wishes she could go back and change things. If only she could have been stronger. She can't help but feeling like she has already failed as a mother. She has already screwed up. She may have already ruined her last chance at a family. So she cleans.

Her apartment was a mess, dishes, spills she hadn't cleaned, laundry everywhere, and papers having to do with the case strewn everywhere. It took hours, but as she finally collapsed on the couch she felt a bit better. Her mind had moved off her worries and onto getting herself up and ready for her appointment.

She broke down again in the shower. Letting the scalding hot water beat down on her back as she crumbled. They had talked about kids after Cosmo's case. They had stayed up all night after the rest of the family had gone home or retired to their own rooms. They lay wrapped in each other's arms fantasizing about the future. How many kids they would have and where they would live. If she would move up in the ranks and whether or not their partnership would continue when their children went to school.

She fell asleep with her back pressed to his stomach with his hands warm and low on her stomach. He told her his vision for the future. A little girl with chestnut curls and gorgeous eyes, with her brain and his imagination. A little boy with his unruly hair and mischievous nature. A house with a porch and a yard with a dog. An office for his writing and a giant tub for all of her stressful days.

It was everything she wanted. After that night she had promised herself they would start trying as soon as they were married. It was meant to be her wedding present to him. She was so excited to see his face when she made her wishes clear.

She knows he would be so happy if he were here. That he would have squealed like a little girl and picked her up and spun her around when he found out. Her heart breaks for the emptiness beside her. And for the life inside her that may never meet it's father.

They scaled back the investigation. The FBI. Three months with not one single lead it was only logical. She fought them tooth and nail as they packed up all their materials from the precinct. Ryan had to tear her away as she yelled and screamed at them for giving up. Gates had sent her home once she was coherent enough to listen. Told her not to come home until she pulled herself together.

The captain had been understanding up to that point last week. Letting Beckett stay on the case. She had been emotional and distant and definitely neglecting all other aspects of her job. Spending nights on the break room couch or even just with her head down on her desk where she had collapsed from exhaustion. Gates had stayed silent through the obvious and numerous breakdowns. But enough was enough. She had taken all the files and stormed out.

When she finally peals herself off the floor of the shower she feels even worse if that is possible. She feels raw and spent and more alone than ever.

She sat in the waiting room of the OBGYN office just trying not to think. Trying not to look at the happy couples and obviously pregnant women waiting with her. It felt like an out of body experience and she began to question the reality of the situation. Was she really pregnant? Was she crazy to think that she could ever do this without him? She was wrong. There was no way she was actually pregnant.

She had just talked herself out of staying for her appointment when she heard her name.

"Katherine Beckett?" She almost broke down at the sound of her own name. It was wrong. All wrong. She should be Katherine Castle. Rick should be here with her, fidgeting with excitement and squeezing her hand. She should have two rings on her finger, not one.

After answering all of the bright, cheery nurses' questions she was left alone in the exam room. The tears fell silently. Too many thoughts whirling around in her head for her to be able to even focus on one in particular.

"Are you alright?" Dr. Abernathy walked into the room and was shocked to see her with her head in her hands crying her heart out. Kate had never been to see her before, however, she had been recommended by her regular doctor.

"Yeah, yeah. Just… too much.. I can't.." The words just wouldn't come. No thoughts would form. How do you explain the mess that had become her life?

"I know, honey. I, uh, I think everybody knows." Honesty. It stung a bit, but it was a relief not to have to explain. The reporters had long since left her alone. But in the beginning they had been impossible. Following her every move, yelling out invasive questions, and hanging outside her apartment, the loft, and even the precinct. She was too torn up and focused to be confrontational and they eventually gave it up. She wasn't that interesting anyway. A zombie of a person really. It made sense that everyone and their brother knew her predicament. She was the one, after all, who had outed their relationship to the press.

"I'll just get started then. If you will just lay back for me." She was poked and prodded. More questions were asked and Kate was able to focus on the answers rather than everything else going on. She was asked for a urine sample and showed to the bathroom. Kate was uncomfortable with everything. She could hear Ricks snarky comments in her head, and she even found herself smiling at a few.

After about half an hour the exam was over.

"Listen, we are technically supposed to wait for the lad results to do this, but I am going to make an exception." Dr. Abernathy smiled a little and indicated for Kate to lay back on the small exam table. "What do you say, Kate, would you like to see your baby?"

Kate could feel the tears before the gel was even on her stomach. She wondered not for the first time today when she had become such a complete mess. She had had breaks throughout the last months, but nothing like this.

"Darn hormones!" she heard Castle's voice teasing her in her head.

The gel was cold on her belly and she was shaking in anticipation. She so wished he were here for this. He should be here squeezing her hand so hard it hurt while they both waited. The machine buzzed to life and an odd whooshing sound filled the room. A little alien looking baby appeared on the screen. It looked like a real baby and it was perfect.

In that moment, Kate was truly happy. It wasn't how it was meant to be. It was going to be the hardest thing she ever had to do, but she would do it. She would put down his case and return to her life for this baby. Their baby.

"Say hello to your baby, Kate!"

That was three years ago. There were still no leads or evidence. Her life definitely did not get easier. But it was better than she ever thought it could be after the day her life went up in flames.

"Jo, wake up baby girl!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Jo, wake up baby girl." The tiny girl stretched slightly before turning over and snuggling into Kate's leg where she sat on the bed.

"I know it's early, but Mommy has work today. And hey, you get to go to school. That's fun, right?" The only response she got was a shake of the head against her leg. Kate began running her fingers through the curly brunette hair. She knew Jo hated pre-school, but there was really no other choice. She needed to get used to other kids and the noise and chaos of a classroom.

She left the girl to snuggle a bit longer as she opened the set of drawers opposite the bed and picked out Jo's clothes for the day. A black skirt with black leggings and a mini pink leather jacket. There were little pieces of both parents in little Johanna.

One of her Beckett-isms was her style. At three years old all she wanted to dress just like her mommy. When they went shopping for her birthday the previous month Kate had found her little girl staring up at the pink jacket, her neck craned all the way back. Jo had worn it at least twice a week ever since that day.

Returning to the canopy princess bed, Kate smiled down at her little girl who had already fallen back asleep.

"Okay you've had your five minutes. Let's get you dressed." She lifted the girl into her arms and turned her upright on her hip. Johanna started awake before realizing she was in her mother's arms and snuggling back down.

Kate was adept at dressing and undressing a sleeping child at this point and she was willing to admit 6:30 AM was a bit extreme for a three year old. So she dressed Johanna and strapped on her little Mary Jane's before carrying her down the stairs.

They lived at the loft. It was their home, and if Beckett was honest with herself it had been her home for years before Johanna was born. Johanna had a family. Martha and Alexis had been an integral part of their lives since day one. Well not day one, but shortly thereafter.

_She called Lanie first. As soon as she returned home from her appointment. She gripped the ultrasound pictures in her hand like they were her lifeline and curled into a ball on the couch. _

_"Lanie," she practically sobbed into the phone "I need you." _

_She was there in less than 30 minutes. Even though, Kate found out later that, she was in the middle of an autopsy. _

_She used her key and found Kate still curled into herself on the couch. Kate didn't even have to explain, she just shoved the pictures into Lanie's hand and continued with her crying. _

_"Oh honey." Lanie slipped under Kate and deposited her head onto her lap. _

_"Is this good news or bad news?" Lanie asked after Kate had cried herself dry and managed to sit up. _

_"Good. I mean I think. This is what we wanted, it's what he wanted. Even if he…" She couldn't find the strength to finish her thought, but Lanie understood. _

_"You are gonna have to tell them, you know." Lanie didn't have to name the people she meant, Beckett knew. _

_When Lanie left the next morning Kate showered and thought about the awful day that was today. She hadn't seen Martha or Alexis since she left the loft. In the middle of the night. Just days after the wedding. She knew they this was going to be one hard conversation. But Lanie was right. She couldn't avoid it. _

_She wanted to throw up the entire way to the loft, and it wasn't morning sickness. Morning sickness. She was still shocked that this was real. There was no change in her body. No bump or stretch. She had checked in the shower and in front of her mirror that morning. She dreaded and couldn't wait to be able to watch the changes at the same time. Her heart dropped as she thought about how Rick would react. _

_Would he take pictures every month and put them in an extremely cheesy collage on his phone? He would definitely be the first to notice, even though it was her body. She could almost feel his hands on her stomach warm and big and…._

_"Ma'am? We're here." The cabbie brought her out of her thoughts as she looked out and saw they had arrived at Castle's building._

_'Now or never' she thought as she threw money at the guy and climbed out. The building looked impossibly big at that moment. She sucked up her fear, insecurity, pride, and just about every other emotion as she made her way through the familiar lobby and into the elevator._

_Just like everything these days the elevator was almost a breaking point. She couldn't count the number of times Rick had grabbed her hand in the elevator after a hard day at work. The number of times he had grabbed her and shoved her up against the wall, invading her mouth after they had exchanged one too many hot looks and "accidental" touches at work. Sometimes they would just stand in each other's arms and hold each other up as the elevator rose to his floor. A rebel tear streaked down her face just as the elevator announced it's arrival. _

_She took a moment to gather herself at the door and knocked with a heavy hand. _

_Alexis was the one to answer the door. There was a long moment of shock on both faces before Alexis took off up the stairs. _

_"At least she didn't slam it in my face" Kate mumbled under her breath as she came in and closed the door. _

_The loft itself had not changed. The same furniture and pictures on the wall. Only it was haunted it seemed. With the memories of all the conversations on the couch, the dinners made and eaten in the kitchen, the lazy Sundays spent reading and… not reading. They were the best memories in her life and yet the most painful. Just like the reason she was here now. _

_Kate trudged up the stairs and went over her speech for the umpteenth time. She wasn't sure what was going to be behind the door. She and Alexis had never been that close. Sure they lived in the same apartment and had the occasional dinner together, but there was still tension and unresolved issues surrounding their relationship. They had never had the important conversations. They were getting there, but now there was no telling. _

_She had failed Alexis and Martha. She couldn't bring Rick home. She couldn't put their little family back together. Who was she kidding, she couldn't even sleep in their bed. She wasn't worthy of their family, no matter how broken. _

_"Go away!" Alexis practically screamed at her through the door when she knocked. _

_"Alexis, please…" _

_"Why," the door swung open forcefully to reveal a red-faced and crying Alexis. At that moment Kate wanted nothing more than to pull her in for a hug and make all of it go away. Though she knew all too well that was impossible. "Why should I listen to anything you have to say? You're just going to run away the next chance you get. Anytime something goes wrong you just run off. Like a scared puppy with your tail between your legs. We were your family, or so I thought. _

_I thought you cared about me. I had just begun to believe that you weren't just here for dad. I thought we were all going to be a family. But I was wrong. So no I don't want to talk to you now. I want you to leave. You are going to anyway!" _

_They were both practically sobbing against the door frame at the end of Alexis' outburst. The worst part was the fact that Kate knew Alexis was right. She did abandon them. She thought it would be better that way. She was too broken. She left so that everyone could move on. _

_"There is no excuse for my actions." That got Alexis' ear. "I agree with you. I am a coward and I did run away. I made a huge mistake. But please just let me explain." It was more of a question that a statement. _

_Alexis made a non-committal grunt and backed into her room and basically collapsed onto the bed. Kate followed and stood in front of the broken girl. _

_"Alexis, I love you. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but I do. I know that you are all grown up and independent. And in all honesty you are one of the strongest people I know. It was you that held me at the crime scene. It was you that hit me over the head and started me on the track to find answers. You never gave up on him. Even before that. We loved having you at the loft. I wanted you to be with us. I wanted that family. I failed you. I couldn't bring him home. I still haven't stopped trying, but I have no leads and I couldn't bear to come home empty handed every night. I couldn't stand sleeping in our bed alone." She realized then she had digressed from the subject. _

_"On Thanksgiving, your father and I spent all night talking about the future. And I realized in every picture that I had in my head you were there. He loved you more than anything in the world. And he was the love of my life. You are a part of that life. I love you and I just want a second chance. A second chance to be the person you used to think I was. Before the shooting and the wedding and everything that has gone so horribly wrong."_

_It wasn't the speech she had planned. She was just going to apologize and then tell Alexis and Martha about the baby. But once the words started they just wouldn't stop. She couldn't control them and she realized at the end, as she stood there a mess in front of her almost step-daughter that she meant every one. _

_Looking up she locked eyes with Alexis. Her face had softened considerably. Alexis launched herself into Kate's arms and clung to her as she sobbed with renewed vigor. _

_"I thought… I thought you didn't care about me. I thought I had lost my whole family." _

_"No, no sweetie. Never." The moniker slipped out without her realizing, but it felt right somehow. _

_They held onto each other for another minute before Alexis pulled back slightly. _

_"This doesn't just fix everything, you know? I still don't know what to think or if I should trust what you say. I believe you its just…" _

_"I know. You've been hurt. It is a feeling I am intimately acquainted with and one I wish you had never known. But I'm here and I am not going anywhere. Not anymore I am home now." _

It had taken a while after that for Kate and Alexis to get back on solid ground. There had been a lot more bad days between them than good in the months that followed. It was Johanna that had brought them together for good.

Kate had told Martha and Alexis together at dinner a few nights after she had come home. In her first night back at the loft. Alexis was upset. Martha was overjoyed.

Alexis thought Kate was on some twisted mission for money or babysitting. That she had only come back because of the baby. The first was ludicrous. Kate didn't know just how much she had missed the Castle/Rogers family until she was back with them. The second had a ring of truth.

The truth was Kate didn't know what would have happened if she wasn't pregnant. Would she have come back? Would she have driven herself to madness or gotten herself killed trying to find answers? After all Rick would not be there to pull her back out of the hole. But he had left behind someone who could.

Kate moved through the kitchen, living room, and office into her bedroom. The loft had changed considerably through the years. From the more obvious changes, toys among the pillows on the couch and the extensive art collection that covered the fridge, to the more subtle changes, new pictures of Johanna and Alexis mixed with the old ones and kid proof everything. The loft had taken a turn away from the severe and sophisticated to the more soft and family-like.

Johanna was a little more aware, no doubt from all the bouncing and swinging that came with walking down the stairs and through the loft, as they reached the master bedroom. Kate sat her on the edge of her bathroom counter and began putting the finishing touches on her make-up for the day.

Beckett had become an entirely new person with the addition of Jo. The pregnancy had been hard on her emotionally as well as physically.

At six months, Rick was presumed dead. It was the families decision. Kate had promised herself, and Rick, that she would stop investigating his case. She didn't want it to affect their child and didn't want to be sucked down into the rabbit hole again. It was Martha's idea to hold a service and have a symbolic burial. They all needed closure and even if they didn't have answers they all needed to move on. As awful as that sounded at the time. Having to say goodbye was one of the hardest things she ever had to do.

In her seventh month of pregnancy she began feeling faint and breathing twice as hard. She thought it was just a normal part of growing a human until she fainted at work. One minute she was writing a new lead on the board and the next she woke up in the hospital with a hysterical Alexis and three doctors, including her OBGYN. They told her that her heart just wasn't working. They were concerned that it just wasn't strong enough to withstand the pregnancy.

It was her worst nightmare. They gave her a choice. They could deliver her now and risk the chance of her not being fully ready or she could stay in the hospital for as long as she could to give her a little more time. Either way there was no way Jo would be full term. The latter held more risks for Kate and the former was more risky for the baby. She chose the latter.

She was in the hospital for Christmas and New Years that year. Alexis was with her the entire time. Kate had to force her to go home to shower and sleep in her own bed. Most nights she just crawled in with Kate. That month was the turning point for them. They became as thick as thieves.

Martha was very involved as well. She had moved out of the loft and into an apartment above her acting school before the wedding. She moved in to the loft in the months Kate was absent and then out again once Alexis was no longer alone. She took on the role of spoiling grandmother. Before they even knew if Jo was a girl or boy the closet was already almost full!

Johanna Alexandria Castle was born on January 4th 2015. She went into labor in the middle of the night. She did well for about four hours before her heart began giving out. It ended up being a C-section. Both she and the baby were in distress. She made Alexis leave just in case things went wrong. She didn't want to scar Alexis even more. She didn't think she was in grave danger, but the thought of Alexis having to endure the blood and knives was just too much.

Jo was only 4 and a half pounds, but she was fully formed and didn't even need incubation. She was perfect. They were in the hospital for a week to make sure Kate's heart had no damage and that Jo could eat.

The first time Kate held Johanna she made a promise to make sure she had the very best childhood possible. The first thing she did was take a full year off of work. She didn't want to miss a second and it wasn't like she didn't have about 2 years of overtime built up.

After a year, she only tried to go back. It only lasted two weeks before a perp pointed a gun in her face and she saw her little girls clear blue eyes pleading with her to come home. She walked straight into Gate's office and almost resigned. She made a deal and became a part-time profiler. She was basically a consultant who only came in three days a week. She went to crime scenes and worked a mostly desk job.

If you had told her before her wedding that she would have given up her entire life for her little girl she would have laughed in your face. She and Rick took great care in preserving her life when they made future plans. He was to stay home while she continued to work full-time. She couldn't imagine giving it up. Until they all met Johanna.

Kate came out of her memories by a little tug on her shirt. She looked down to the little girl sitting on the counter in front of her. Her middle and ring fingers were folded over while her thumb, pointer finger, and pinky stuck straight up. 'I love you'.

"Awe, I love you too Baby Girl." Johanna could only say three things: yes, no, and I love you. It wasn't that she couldn't speak it was that she didn't. There were no problems with her brain and she wasn't damaged in any way. She was just silent.

The doctors say she just has nothing to say. That when she is ready she will just talk. She had a slight attachment problem when she was little and would only quiet in the arms of her mother. They had worked extremely hard to make her comfortable with Alexis and eventually Lanie and the boys.

Alexis had been easy, seeing as how she was a constant presence in the baby's life, and the two girls were practically inseparable. Everyone else was harder and they were still working. Hence the importance of pre-school.

"So grandpa will pick you up from school," she started as she finished her make-up and turned Johanna around to work on her pigtail braids. "He is going to take you out to lunch and bring you back here. Maybe you can show him your new Elsa doll. He does a pretty good Olaf impression."

That elicited a smile from the tiny girl. In every sense of the word she was a mini Beckett. Except for her eyes and her smile. The first time her daughter smiled at her she broke down in tears. Even the tiny version was all Rick.

Her phone began to ring just as she fashioned the pink bow to the end of her second pigtail and lifted her into her arms. She ran into her room and located her phone, on the unmade bed, before answering on the last ring.

"Beckett!" She answered as she turned off the lights and began gathering her things for the day and helping Jo into her coat.

"Hey, Kate it's, uh, Ryan." The use of her first name stopped her in her tracks.

"We found something."

**Hope you enjoyed it! I would love to hear what you all would like to happen next. Please Review! **


	3. Chapter 3

The next few hours passed in a blur. Ryan's words were on repeat inside her head. 'We found something.' Those three words had stopped her in her tracks. There was no question of what case that 'something' pertained to.

"Get down here now" was the only other thing he said before the line went dead. She felt her heart hammering in her chest.

She was scared of what this 'something' could mean. Even after three years she still had nightmares. She dreamed of him lying dead in an alley, just like her mother. Some nights he was being tortured. Endlessly in pain and she could do nothing to help him. Those were the worst. In those not only did she have to feel his pain, but she came face to face with the reality that she didn't honestly know what had happened.

He could be alive. He could have died cold and alone. He could have waited days and days for her to come and find him. But she never did.

On those nights, the nights when she woke up on a scream dripping in sweat, the only thing that would calm her down were her girls. She would creep up the stairs and down the hall. First, she would open Alexis' door. The girl had decided to stay in the loft for the foreseeable future. She was in med school now, but she couldn't bear the thought of leaving her family. Once Kate was satisfied the girl was sleeping soundly she would move on to the next door.

Most nights she just stared at her little girl. In sleep she looked like a little angel. Kate would sit for hours by her side and watch her deep breathing. Remind herself why she had stopped and why she didn't need to know. On especially hard nights, when she couldn't bear to sleep alone, she would crawl in beside her baby and wrap herself around the sleeping girl. There she could always sleep soundly. With her little family surrounding her she never questioned her choices.

For the first almost year of Johanna's life she slept in the Master bedroom with Kate. At first it was for convenience. Walking up and down the stairs ever few hours just to feed her was just too much. Eventually it was just too hard. Kate wanted to always be near her little girl. Her silent little girl who might need her at any minute. And if she was being honest. Kate needed her close, it was like a security blanket.

The nursery was beautiful. It was done in shades of pink and purple. There was a round crib in the center of the room and gorgeous furniture to match. It was used frequently. All of her clothes and toys were up there. However, she didn't start sleeping there until she was almost too old for the crib!

Martha had convinced her that she needed to take back her room and her sleep. It had been hard, but with a little bit of cleaning and a few freak outs in the middle of the night at there being no baby or crib beside her crib. But eventually she reclaimed her space. Their space.

It became clear that sleeping alone in the big empty bed was just too much. Every night she undressed and slipped into one of Rick's old shirts. She took great care to ensure that they always smelt like him. She used his cologne and washing detergent on them and his pillowcases. It wasn't exactly him. It was missing a hint of something she couldn't place but it was close enough.

And now something had changed. She could feel it. Was he dead? Was she going to face a body? Could he be out there somewhere? He couldn't have been missing this long and still be alive! Could he?

A slap on the knee brought her out of her thoughts and she realized that she was sitting on the foyer floor. Two frantic and scared looking eyes bore into her. Jo was clearly frightened by her mother's sudden change.

Kate realized just how hard she was breathing and just how lost in her head she had truly been. She hadn't had a panic attack in years.

"Oh, no sweetie. It's okay. Mommy is okay. C'mere." She pulled the little girl into her arms as tried to get her breathing under control. She rocked her back and forth until she had calmed down. The tension still had not completely left Johanna, but she as Kate looked into her eyes a few minutes later her eyes were no longer big and frightened.

They had peeled themselves off the floor and Kate had put on a brave face as they left the loft. She told Johanna that Mommy was just tired this morning and that there was nothing to be worried about. She tried not to seem in a hurry or agitated as she drove to Jo's school, but she knew she couldn't hide much from the girl.

They had a connection that rivaled the one she had with Rick. Even though she couldn't talk Kate always knew exactly what Johanna was thinking. She knew exactly what she wanted or needed with just a quick look into her little blue eyes.

They arrived at the school in record time. Johanna was having none of it though. It was usually hard to drop her off, but today was a whole different kind of record. She cried, sobbed more like it, and clung and clawed for at least half an hour. The teacher tried to help, but Johanna screamed every time Ms. Wendy so much as touched her.

Finally Kate picked the girl up and sat in the middle of the hallway. She rocked her and whispered love into her ear. Promised her the whole world. Eventually the stress of the morning took over and she fell asleep. Kate kissed her forehead and transferred her into Ms. Wendy's arms with hurried apologies and thanks.

Ms. Wendy had always been very understanding of Johanna's situation. She had gone above and beyond to help the family and today was no different. Kate knew Jo would be in a terrible mood when she woke and realized she was at pre-school without her Mommy.

Just as she raced into the car and stepped on the gas she received a text. It was from Esposito and all it said was "Presbyterian Hospital"

That's where she found herself, just a few hours after hearing those three words, running down the long white corridor frantically looking for her boys. After leaving the school her panic had only worsened. The questions swirled in her head and she couldn't catch her breath.

After three years they had found something, or someone, seeing as how a hospital was involved. It had been the longest, hardest, and most rewarding three years of her life. Endless grieving, crying, laughing, diapers, smiles, and hardships all wrapped in one.

She felt as if this was all a dream. She had stopped looking. She had told herself that she didn't need answers. And now something just appeared out of nowhere. The FBI certainly hadn't continued a hopeless investigation for three years.

Finally after it felt like she had been running a marathon she caught sight of the boys. They were standing in the middle of the hallway; white as sheets as if they had seen a ghost. As she came to stand in front of them she realized why.

She stopped in her tracks as she followed their gazes into the room they stood in front of. She stumbled back into the wall as she saw who lay in the bed.

"Is it true?" she gasped out. "Is he… I mean is it…. Rick?"

She didn't need an answer. Even from ten feet away she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the man in the bed was her fiancé. While there were a million questions in her head. There were none in her heart.

**I'm sorry it is so short. I will try to put up another chapter in the next few days. Truthfully, while I know what I want the future of this story to look like, I am not exactly sure where I want Castle's story to go in the next chapter. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns don't hesitate to review. **

**All suggestions and ideas welcome in the Reviews and on Tumblr khoughtonb blog: Castle Crazy **


	4. Chapter 4

Three years. For three years there was nothing. There were no leads, or suspects, or clues, or any shred of evidence and then one day he just reappears. There was no buildup or trail to follow. He just showed up bloody and beaten on the side of the road in a Podunk town in the middle of nowhere. And now here he was, here they are.

It took Kate two hours to get up the courage to actually go into his room and another ten minutes to take his hand after she had sat down in the chair beside him. She just couldn't believe that it was really Rick. Her Rick. She was afraid that as soon as she touched him he would disappear. That this was all a nightmare and she would wake up alone and wanting.

She tried to be strong and hold it together, but there were just too many emotions swirling. Relief, confusion, joy, sadness, and regret all tangling together and causing a riot in her head. She finally broke down when she touched his hand.

He was there. He was real and he wasn't just going to disappear again, not if she had any say in the matter. She let out an unbridled sob in that moment. Letting her head fall to the bed and simply letting go. All the lonely nights, nightmares, wishes, regrets, milestones missed, and birthdays passed melted away. He was her rock, even in his unconscious state.

He was in a coma the doctor had told her. Medically induced in order to give his body time to heal and his mind time to rest. He had been beaten and cut severely. The worst of which were the two cracked ribs on his right side and a nasty gash on his thigh. He had many other injuries some as old as a few years and the newest within the last twelve hours. She didn't remember the list, she had been half-listening to the doctor as she and the boys stood outside his door the hour before. She made a mental note to ask them about it later.

The boys had gone to get Alexis. Kate had waited to call her and left a nondescript message on her cell when she didn't answer. It wasn't uncommon for Alexis not to answer. She had some pretty important exams coming up and she had been splitting all of her time in between the loft and the library. She couldn't bear to leave such a message for Alexis to find when she had finished studying. She also couldn't bear to let Castle out of her sight. The boys volunteered to collect Alexis.

She hadn't decided what to tell Alexis. She had asked the boys to keep it vague. Assure Alexis that everything was fine and let Kate tell her about her father in person.

She only allowed herself a few minutes to let go before she got herself together. She didn't want anyone to see her this way. She knew that no matter what she would need to be the rock here. Alexis and Martha would be emotional and little Joey would be so confused. There was no telling what the next few weeks would hold in store for Rick. She was the only one left and she had done this before with her mother.

She could box up her emotions and put up a temporary wall to get through this. She would allow herself to break only after she personally saw to it that everyone else was okay.

She had just pulled herself together when her heart was broken for the second time that day.

"MOM!" Alexis' broken voice practically sobbed from the door. Kate mentally punched herself for letting Alexis see before she had time to prepare herself.

A few steps each and they were in each other's arms. She felt Alexis break in her arms as she buried her head in Beckett's neck.

Alexis had never called her mom before and she doubted that it would ever happen again. It was a plea more than a moniker.

Sure Alexis had called her mommy in front of Johanna, but only while referring to her as the baby's mother. They didn't want to confuse the girl with Kate and Beckett and Mommy being thrown around, but Alexis already had a mom and Kate was significantly younger than said mother. In the past three years they had become very close…friends…confidants…family. There was nothing Kate wouldn't do for Alexis, but Alexis had never gone so far as to call her a mother.

Nevertheless, Kate considered Alexis her daughter. She thought of her and Jo on the same level. Her home was not complete without both girls safe at home. Even now Kate never went to sleep until Alexis was safely tucked away upstairs no matter how early into the morning it was. And after a stressful day there was nothing better than coming home to her two girls snuggled up on the couch warm and waiting to snuggle with a Disney movie playing.

Kate let Alexis have a minute and as she felt the cries weaken she pulled away slightly and quickly ushered Alexis out the door with her still encased in her arms. After the door had been shut, Kate tightened her arms again.

"It's alright, Lex." Kate whispered into her ear. "We are all okay. I love you and we will get through this."

She saw the boy's coming to a stop a few feet away. They put their hands up and shook their heads as if to say 'we tried to stop her but...' Beckett just waved them away and signaled that she would call later, after everything had calmed down a bit.

"Gram?" Alexis unintelligibly mumbled into Kate's hair.

"I already called your grandmother and she is hopping on the next flight back from Paris." Martha had taken a trip to France with some old acting friends to go to some fashion shows and tour the country. She had been gone for a week and was scheduled to be there for a few more weeks. Kate had called and Martha, panicking, made arrangements to be home within the next two days.

She pulled back and looked into Alexis' face. "Alexis, I know this is hard. I know that this is huge and a lot to process and I am still getting a handle on it myself, but I need you to trust me. We are going to be okay and he is going to be okay and I am so so sorry. You and Johanna are my first priority and I want you to understand that."

"I just.. I don't know what…. Just tell me what I am supposed to do. "Before Kate could form a response Alexis was off again. "He was dead. We were so sure. There was nothing and, Oh God! Oh my God is he okay. I mean will he be okay. What happened? What did they do to him? Who are they? What about Johanna? What are we going to tell her? And…"

Beckett couldn't take the pain and confusion on Alexis' face any longer. He sat down on the cold hard hospital floor and pulled Alexis into her side. Alexis immediately curled into her side as if she were Jo's age again.

"Alexis your father is fine. He's banged up, I won't lie to you. But with a few weeks he will be good as new. They did preliminary scans and they saw no reason to be worried about any serious brain damage. A few cracked ribs and some stitches are the worst of it.

"As to what happened I don't have the answers. I have no idea who we are dealing with or what he went through. Believe me it is killing me right now. But I promise you that we will get answers. The boy's are on it as we speak along with what I am sure is an entire team of FBI agents."

Kate could have sworn she heard what sounded like "A lot of good that did the first time." Come from Alexis. She huffed out the closest thing to a laugh she could manage before continuing.

"As for Johanna you have no need to worry. She will be confused I am sure. I am not really sure how she will react, but I am going to protect her and your father. She is only three and we will figure out exactly how much to tell her and when later on. Right now we just need to be patient, honey.

"It's all going to be okay."

They both let out a sigh and let that sink in. They both wanted to believe those simple words, but neither one was completely convinced. They sat in silence for a while, taking comfort in the safety of each other's arms.

Finally, Alexis looked up into Kate's eyes. Ocean blue locked on deep green and they both let out a chuckle at the tension between them.

"Can I see him now?"

They spent hours sharing the silence that encompassed the hospital room. One on each side of Castle, and each lost in their own thoughts. Kate's mind was on overdrive. Her heart was thumping. Rick was here. He was right here in the bed beside her and she was holding his hand. It felt like a dream. A wonderful and crazy dream that she never wanted to wake from. She loved him more than anything else in the world. But he was hurt and he was scared, and not just physically. She knew this was bad. She knew it wouldn't be easy for their family to get past. Three years was a lifetime and they were all on completely separate pages. She just hoped that their love was enough.

They only left the room for his hourly check-ups.

Kate didn't want Alexis to see any of the damage done and told herself that it would be easier to follow her out so Alexis wouldn't think about arguing. Truthfully, she knew she wasn't ready to see the full extent of what Castle had been through.

At three o'clock Kate took advantage of their time outside the room to call her father and check in on Johanna. She had sent her father text updates and made it clear that she was not ready to talk about it. She knew he would be unhappy with this arrangement, but she just couldn't bear to go through that conversation again.

"Tell me you're okay, Katie?" Her very upset father greeted her.

"I'm a mess, but I will be okay. It's been a rough morning. How is she?" The question was just for show. Kate could hear her Baby crying in the background. Jo hated being away from her mother for so long. On any other normal school day Kate picked her up from the school or from her Grandpa Jim's place an hour after. It broke her heart to hear the crying. It was one of the only sounds Johanna made.

She knew she had to stay at the hospital. There was no way she could leave Alexis and she wasn't ready to let go of the sight of Rick just yet. But her baby needed her. Once she started crying there were very few people who could calm her. Both of which were currently at the hospital.

"Katie, she needs you." Jim sounded resigned on the phone. He knew that her heart was literally in torn in two.

"Alright put her on and I will figure something out." She heard the phone being passed and the crying got significantly louder. "Hey baby!"

Kate tried her best to sound as cheerful as she could. "Hey, you have gotta stop crying. You are making Grandpa and Mommy very sad. Can you do that, Sweetheart?"

"There you go," she cooed as the cries turned into sniffles and hard breathing. "That's better. Did you have a good day at school?" She rarely talked to her daughter on the phone. If they were apart and Jo got upset they would set up skype on her work computer or her phone until she could get to wherever her daughter was. Without seeing her face it was almost impossible to have any type of two way communication.

"Mommy is going to see you very soon, alright. But until then I need you to be a very good girl. No more crying and making it hard for Grandpa, deal?" Kate hated the fact that Johanna was not closer to their extended family. She had therapy three times a week and Beckett could see improvement every day. It was still a very hard situation.

"I love you, baby girl. Everything is perfectly fine okay. I'll see you in a few hours. Can you give the phone back to Grandpa?" She heard a little huff and then her Dad was back.

"Hey, I am so sorry about her. We had a bad morning and I can only imagine how she was at preschool. She knows something is wrong. She is way too smart for us." She let out a genuine laugh at that. The first one she had in a few hours. "Can you bring her by the hospital and then take her back to the loft? I need to see her and she needs to know that everything is okay."

"Sure, Katie. Anything I can do. You know I am here for you. And we are going to talk about this after everything settles."

"I promise, Dad. Thank you so much. I will meet you in the lobby in an hour."

After she put the phone down she went to talk to Alexis. She met the nurses and a doctor in the hallway and came to stand beside Alexis waiting for their report.

"We're ready to start weaning him off the medication now. Under normal circumstances we would keep him under for a bit longer, however, in this case we feel it would be best to let him wake up and make sure there is no other unexpected surprises. If we can find out more about what has happened we can treat him more effectively. We don't know if he has been drugged or given anything that has damaging reactions with other medications.

"It's not immediate but he should be awake before tomorrow morning for sure."

"Thank you." Kate said. She shook the doctor's hand, and tried to remember what his name was, before giving up and following Alexis inside.

She had intended to convince Alexis to come down and see Johanna when she came, but she knew Alexis would never leave after hearing that her father would wake up. Kate herself didn't want to leave his side. Rationally she knew it would most likely be a few hours before he actually awoke, but she was still reluctant to leave.

She sat for a while and made small talk with an increasingly agitated Alexis. After about 45 minutes she got up and told Alexis she would be back as soon as she was done with her visit.

Kate took the opportunity to calm her nerves with a coffee from one of the stands on the ground floor before coming to wait by the front door.

Her father arrived a few minutes later with a pathetic looking Jo. Upon seeing her mother, Johanna squeezed her hand out of her grandfather's and flew to her. Kate was already on her knees with her arms open.

"Joey! I am so happy to see you." Kate didn't realize just how much she needed her little girl until she had her. "Oh, I missed you so much today." Johanna had her arms around her mother's neck as if her life depended on it. Kate hated that she had caused her little girl to worry and stress. She knew it just made her attachment and anxiety problems much worse.

"Come on," she said to her Dad "Let's go somewhere more open to sit down and talk."

They walked out of the hospital and down the sidewalk a ways before turning into the gardens of the hospital. Kate walked until they were immersed in the flowers before picking a bench to sit down on. She sighed and situated Jo on her lap more comfortably.

She didn't need to talk just being with each other was enough for the both of them. Jim sat down beside them and Kate leaned into his side and put her head on her shoulder.

In that moment she truly believed the words she had told Alexis all those hours ago. They were going to be okay. They were a family, they had been for years. And now her family was whole. The love of her life was waiting for her upstairs. He was going to wake up and he was going to meet his little girl and they were going to get married.

Obviously it would not all happen right away. But in that moment she had hope. In that moment it was as if everything clicked into place and she saw her future. Her baby would be able to grow up with a father. He would get to see all the memories that she had recorded of Johanna. She could see it now. Their love was everything and they were going to make it through this no matter what was in store for them. She had the proof in her arms.

Her perfect little girl. As sappy and pathetic as it sounded. Johanna was their love. She was a product of their unshakeable love for each other. She was broken, but she was theirs. Johanna was a beautiful and smart little girl and even though she was broken she was healing. She was resilient and she never gave up. She was going to be alright. They were all going to be alright.

Kate finally let out the breath she felt like she had been holding all day and relaxed for two whole minutes before her phone rang.

It was Alexis….

**Thank you all so much for reading. This chapter ran away with me, but I promise the next chapter will move a little faster and you will be seeing a lot more of Rick and the rest of the family! **

**All reviews welcome. Tell me what you think or what you would like to see! **


	5. Chapter 5

She didn't answer the phone, though her heart sped up and pounded in her chest. Little Jo lifted her head from its place on Kate's chest and gave her a questioning look.

"It's just your sister calling, baby. She probably just wants to know if I am off work yet." She hated lying to Johanna but she really saw no other option, and to be fair it was Alexis on the phone.

"Joey, I need you to do something for Mommy. Do you think you can do it? It is extremely important, like a secret agent mission." The girl's interest peaked at the mention of a secret mission. Jo had inherited her father's love of the crazy and dramatic. They would often play spies or superheroes. They would run around the house trying to save a stuffed animal from the evil dishwasher or untie a Barbie from the toy train tracks. She hoped making it a game would be enough to buy her some time away from the loft as much as she hated missing even one night with her baby.

"I need you to go home with Grandpa. He can make you some of your favorite pasta with the swirly noodles and white sauce. After you eat it all up I want you to pick out a princess movie and be sure to watch the whole thing. Then I want you to call me so I can tell you how much I love you and read our "Guess How Much I Love You" story before Grandpa tucks you in.

"It is very important that you do all of those things, alright. I have to stay here for a while and I promise you that no matter what I will be home to take you to Ms. Erin for your appointment tomorrow." Johanna had saddened as Kate spoke. She could tell that her Mommy wasn't going to come home with her. She tightened her arms around her and buried her head into the warmth of her mother. She knew her mother was telling the truth, she had never once broken a promise to her.

After one last squeeze Kate stood up and transferred Joey to her Grandpa's arms.

"Thank you so much Dad. Call me if anything happens and I will come running. I'm sorry she won't be much fun tonight. I will come home in the morning. She had therapy at 9:00AM."

"You know I am happy to do it, Katie. You just take care of yourself and everyone upstairs. We will be fine, won't we sweetheart?" Jo gave a halfhearted smile before Jim turned and made his way out of the gardens.

Kate followed behind and yelled one last 'I love you' before the taxi door was shut. She waited until the car had rounded the corner before she ran inside.

* * *

><p>She took the stairs two at a time and flew around the corners. She reached her floor and flung the door open to see Alexis pacing the hallway with tears running down her face.<p>

Upon seeing Kate, Alexis stopped in her tracks and reached out for her. In two long strides Kate engulfed the younger girl in a hug. She was becoming increasingly nervous about what had Alexis so worried.

"What happened? What's wrong?"

"It's Dad. He woke up and saw me he smiled and then after a few seconds he just started freaking out. He was yelling and screaming and trying to get up. I tried to calm him down, to tell him that everything was fine, but he wouldn't listen. He wanted you. He kept screaming your name. And, God. He looked awful. The sheet came down and he wasn't wearing a shirt. There are bruises and cuts and even a few burns all over his chest and his side is completely black.

I thought he was okay. I thought that they said he wasn't hurt that bad. The doctors went in and kicked me out. They haven't come out yet, but he isn't yelling anymore. I assume they sedated him or something."

"I'm so sorry, Alexis. I should have been there. I shouldn't have left you alone to deal with him. And His injuries are not awful considering. It could be a lot worse. It just looks bad for now. He just doesn't know where he is and I am sure he is just as freaked out as we are. He's still going to be okay. And he is awake and that is fantastic news."

Alexis didn't look convinced. She had never seen her father in such a state before. The worst she had seen him was the way he got after Beckett was shot. He was normally so upbeat, especially in the presence of his daughter, that it just wasn't right for him to be this intense.

"Why don't you take a walk and go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat and drink. You haven't had anything all day. I will go in and see what is going on and come out and get you after everything settles down, alright?"

Kate could see the defeat in Alexis' eyes. She pulled away and Kate watched her walk down the hall with slumped shoulders before she turned and faced the door. She didn't know what was waiting for her behind that door, but she knew whatever it was she had to face it. She put her sweaty hand on the cool metal of the door handle and pulled it open.

There was no sign of commotion or chaos in the room. In fact it looked pretty much the same as it had when she left save for the few doctors milling around. They were adding notes to his chart and reading the machines that clicked and beeped away steadily. Rick was laying still and peaceful under his blanket.

She breathed a sigh of relief at finding everything seemingly well with him. His regular doctor (Dr. Jacobs! That was his name, she had forgotten it earlier.) heard her sigh and looked up from his place at the end of the bed chart still in hand.

"Miss Beckett," he smiled cheerfully at her and she took it as a good sign. "Mr. Castle was awake a few minutes ago. He gave your daughter quite a scare, but we were able to calm him down with an extremely mild sedative. He didn't cause himself any damage and he is still doing well as far as we can tell. He should be up again shortly, I think it would be best if you were here to keep him calm and reassure him that you are alright. He sounded scared."

"Did he say anything? I mean anything useful about what had happened or how he got back or where he had been?"

"No. He was just concerned with getting to you. I would like to caution you. While we are not sure what happened, we do know that Mr. Castle has been through a lot. It may be wise to not bombard him with questions until he is stronger. He is going to be very tired and probably won't be awake for long periods of time at first. Stress could be very detrimental to him right now."

"I understand. Thank you for taking care of him."

"Just doing my job, Detective. I will be back in a couple of hours to check in. Page the nurse if anything changes. He should be awake within the hour." Kate thanked the doctor again as she made her way over to the bed.

She took up her usual seat next to him and covered his hand with hers. It was the first time she had been alone with him since Alexis arrived. She sat in perfect silence for a few minutes allowing herself to be relaxed by the steady rise and fall of his chest.

Finally she broke and she let her head fall to the bed. She didn't cry, but she allowed herself a moment of panic. It was a mess. This whole situation. She didn't know what to do or how to feel. On one hand she couldn't stand the thought of leaving Rick alone and he clearly needed her here. On the other she had a little girl to think about. Jo needed her just as much, if not more. No one could understand her as well as Kate. To top it all off neither one of them even knew about the other.

And then there was Alexis who needed to be able to lean on Kate. She had to know that Kate was her rock and that everything was going to be okay. Her heart was all over the place. She was feeling way too much. The only person who could ground her and stop the swirling of emotions going on in her head was lying unconscious and hurt on the bed beside her.

Just as she was about to lose a battle with fatigue and frustration she felt movement under her hand. It wasn't much just a little twitch of the fingers, but it was enough for her to be up in an instant.

She leaned over the bed and looked at his face. At first she thought she had just imagined the whole thing, but then she saw his head start to roll toward her.

"Hey, Rick. That's it can you wake up for me." Nothing. The tears began to fall as she contemplated what was to come. She was finally going to be able to talk to him. She was going to be able to look into his eyes and tell him how much she loved him.

"Please, just open your eyes. Come on, please." She was begging and she didn't even care. It was pathetic and she was crying and selfish but she didn't care all she cared about was hearing his voice.

"Kate?" He croaked as he opened his impossibly blue eyes. It took them a minute to focus, but what he saw was enough to take his breath away. She was okay. She hadn't died or been beaten or hurt in any way that he could see. She was alive and it was probably a good thing they had him on oxygen.

Standing before him was Kate. His Kate. Looking more gorgeous than ever. Her eyes were filled with tears and there were dark circles under her eyes, but she looked beautiful. He wanted nothing more than to take her face in his hands and kiss away the tears making their way down her face.

"Water?" He managed to get out, not eve realizing that he needed any.

"Oh yeah, sorry." She almost tripped over herself trying to get him the cup of water before holding the straw to his lips and letting him sip. Actually, gulp would be a more accurate term.

When he was finished she set the cup back on the side table and took his hand once again.

"I… I am so glad you're okay." She got out through the tears that were getting harder and harder to attempt to hold back. "I never…"

She couldn't go on. It broke him that he couldn't hold her. There was so much to be said and to apologize for and he couldn't tower over her and hold her against him while she cried. He couldn't pull her down into his lap and hold her like he used to while he was writing and she needed a cuddle after an especially long day. Everything hurt and he felt as if all the strength had left his body. It probably had.

He through caution to the wind as she broke into a full on sob and clung to his hand even harder than before. He used her grip to pull her forward. He would take a little pain over having to watch her break down any day.

"C'mere," he pleaded with her. He didn't have the strength to make her.

"No…" she pulled away and saw the look of hurt flash across his face "I mean…are… are you sure. I don't want to hurt you."

"Yes. Please I need to hold you. Know that you're okay too." That seemed to do the trick. Very slowly, too slowly for his taste, she put one leg on the bed and sat down. That was all he needed.

He grunted as he slid over to make room for her and ignored the explosion of pain in his shoulder and ribs as he lifted his arm up and over her head. He pulled her to rest with her head on his chest and stretched out beside him. Her head was directly above her heart and it calmed her.

"I thought I lost you. I thought that I would never see you again. I thought…" He hushed her before she could go any further.

"I know, Love. Later. We will settle everything later. I will answer all your questions and you mine. Right now, I love you Katherine Houghton Beckett. I never thought I would get to tell you again." Now he was in tears. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Rick, with all of my heart." She snuggled closer and closed her eyes. Content for the moment to let all of the questions and emotions and thoughts in her head quiet.

"Later." She promised as she felt him kiss the top of her head. And everything was silent.

**Actually love this chapter and I am working on the next chapter as we speak. All reviews welcome! (unless you like to be rude) **


	6. Chapter 6

Kate lingered on the bed long after she knew he had fallen asleep. After three years she was reluctant to leave the protection of his arms at all. However, she knew Alexis would be outside pacing a hole in the floor waiting for her so she placed a kiss on his chest and extracted herself from his sleeping arms.

When she opened the door Alexis flew over. The worry and fear was written all over her face.

"Your father is fine Alexis. He woke for a bit and is sleeping peacefully as we speak. You have nothing to worry about."

Alexis breathed a sigh of relief. Kate moved aside to allow Alexis into the room. They took up what had become their usual places. Alexis on his right side and Kate on his left. The air in the room had grown much more comfortable than it had been just a few short hours before, though it was still just as quiet as they were both lost in thought.

Kate took this time to mentally catalogue her next moves. As a detective she learned that having a plan A, B, and C was always necessary. She knew that she had to tell Rick about their daughter. There was no way Kate could keep something that big from him. She knew she also had to find out what had happened to Rick. There would be statements to give and evidence to collect. The boys already had his clothes and all the belongings he had on him at the precinct. She made a mental note to also find out what Rick's recovery time looked like and how long of a hospital stay he was in for. Then there would be therapy, both physical and most likely mental. Kate could tell that he was significantly thinner and she was pretty sure that was one of the doctors original talking points, but she couldn't be sure.

"Uhh, Kate?" A very worried and distraught Alexis called her from across the room. Kate looked up to see Alexis had backed into the corner and her partner was in distress on the bed.

He appeared to be having a nightmare. He was sweating and moaning. He was speaking unintelligibly and she could just make out her name every few words. His face was one of pure agony, probably from the stress on his body as well as whatever he was going through in his mind.

"Rick, babe. Wake up. You're okay. You need to wake up! It's just a dream." Kate moved to the bed and gently stroked his arm and smoothed his hair. She kept murmuring words of encouragement and love until he finally opened his eyes.

"Kate? You're okay!" She was already so close to his face that it didn't take but a little tilt of his head and the flinging of an arm before he was crushing her to him with a strength that surprised them both. He immediately regretted his action when pain shot up his arm. She heard his grunt of frustration and gently placed his arm back down on the bed.

"Yes, Castle I'm fine. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. It was just an awful nightmare." He relaxed onto the bed and Kate could tell he was already exhausted but determined to stay awake.

"Daddy?" Alexis quietly made her presence known as she walked up to the other side of the bed.

"Pumpkin!" Rick grabbed her hand and kissed the back repeatedly. There were tears in her eyes and his as he assured her that as soon as he was allowed he would give her the biggest bear hug of her life. That pulled a laugh from her lips and her face lit up as she realized her Father really was back.

Alexis sat down on the edge of the bed and the duo talked for a solid hour about Alexis. Kate added things here and there when Alexis was being too modest or humble, but it was mostly Alexis and Rick talking. It made Kate smile to see them together again. She remembers all too well how broken and bitter Alexis was when her Father disappeared. She remembers the horror and anguish that was written all over Alexis at the funeral and the way she clung to Kate for days after.

Alexis showed him pictures from her graduation and they talked about school and her internship and everything she could think of. They laughed at funny stories and were serious when talking about some of the nightmares and experiences that she had gone through in his absence. She thankfully kept Joey out of conversation.

They had a silent understanding that Kate had not yet told him. She would wait until they were alone and so as not to take away from the reunion of Alexis and her father. Plus, Kate could tell the Castle was fading, but he didn't have the heart to let her know so he was constantly fighting to stay awake.

Just as the conversation settled down Kate's phone began to ring. She knew it was her dad when she looked at her watch and saw that it was most likely Jo's bedtime call.

She didn't say a word. She just motioned to the door and slowly backed out.

_Kate _

"Hey, Dad, how was she?" Kate asked as she stood outside Castle's room and slumped into a wheelchair that was parked nearby.

"Oh she was fine Katie. I just kept reminding her of the secret mission and made her a checklist to mark off. She did just fine. Smiled all the way through Cinderella and even cuddled up to me a little at the end!" Kate smiled as her father got excited about his bonding time with Johanna. She was glad to hear that her baby was okay without her for now, even though she still hated to be away.

"That's great! Is she asleep or can I talk to her."

"Are you kidding this phone call is the last item on her list and Agent Jo cannot rest until her mission is over." She smiled at the last part as she heard the rustling of the phone being switched over to her daughter's ear.

"Hey Sweet Girl! You did so well today! I love you so much. Mommy will be home in the morning and we will have a nice day out together, alright?"

She knew her little girl would approve, but she almost cried at the thought of not being able to know what she would say or think in response. Instead she flipped open her iBooks app and pulled up Johanna's favorite bedtime story.

_Rick and Alexis _

When Kate exited the room. The conversation stalled and Rick knew this was his chance to really talk to Alexis.

"Listen we should talk about what happened. I am so sorry for all that I have put you guys through. I did not want to leave you and I fought with everything that I had to get back to you. I missed so much, I mean three years is a long time. I don't even know what to say to you. Other than I am sorry and I will never leave you again." They were both crying uncontrollably at Castle's speech. Each of them recalling horrible memories from the past three years.

"I can't imagine what not knowing all this time must have felt like. I have been thinking about what to tell you, what explanation to give you. How much I should say about where I have been and what has been done to me and I have come to a decision.

"I am simply going to say that I was taken. I was held in a couple different places in basements of abandoned houses. I was mistreated and harmed, but I am okay. I know who did it and they will pay for what they did as soon as I can get Ryan and Espo down here. However, that is all I am going to say." Alexis made to protest, but Rick cut her off.

"I know this seems unfair and I know you want answers, but I just can't give them to you right now. It's too fresh and I would rather you didn't know the specifics. If in a couple of years, you still want all of the gory details I hope I will be in a place where I am comfortable telling you. I know you aren't a child anymore, but I still want to protect you. You're my little girl and I don't want you scarred any more than you already are.

"I love you so much and I need you to understand that you have no reason to be worried about me. A few weeks and I will be as good as new."

Alexis knew there was no point in arguing with her father and as much as she wanted to know what happened she could wait until they were both strong enough to handle it. She wiped her tears and walked around to the other side of the bed where his injuries were not as severe and curled up into his side. She needed the comfort of his arms right now.

Alexis quickly fell asleep in his arms, but Rick couldn't sleep. Kate had been gone for a while now and he was starting to wonder where she had gone off to when the door creaked open. Kate came in with one hand over the phone and walked over to the bed.

She smiled down at Alexis when she saw the girl asleep and Rick was taken aback by the love he saw shining in her eyes. When had that happened? He knew they seemed closer but Kate was looking at his daughter in a way only he did. He made a note to ask Kate about it later.

Kate jogged out of the room again just as quickly as she had come. She left the door open and she could see her ending the conversation before coming back in.

"Sorry about that. I didn't realize Alexis was asleep and wanted to… um ask her something." In reality Johanna had asked if she could speak to her sister, but Kate didn't have the heart to wake her. She knew it had been a long day.

"Who was that on the phone? You were gone for an awfully long time." Before Kate could come up with the obvious answer of 'the boys' Alexis began to stir. She was relieved not to have to lie to Rick.

"Good Morning, sleepy head!" Kate chirped as she saw Alexis lift her head in slight confusion before putting everything together and burying herself deeper into her father.

"Listen, I think you need to go home for the night, and before you protest just hear me out. It has been a long day for all of us. You especially and you need your rest. Rest you are not going to get here. Grandpa is at the loft waiting for you with leftovers already being heated. I will stay with your father for the night and promise to call you if anything happens.

"We have some things to discuss and your Dad needs his rest. I have a very important errand to attend to tomorrow and I need you to be here alert and awake." Alexis began to protest a second time before Kate cut her off.

"Please, just do this for me. You need rest and I need to know that you are safe and well-fed. I promise that first thing in the morning you can come take my place. I love you and I need you to do this for me!" By the end of Kate's pleading Alexis was clearly defeated and Rick was in tears.

The use of Grandpa and 'I love you' in the same paragraph had his head spinning and he wondered for the thousandth time that day what had gone on during his three missing years.

"Fine! I'll go home, but I am not happy about it!" She turned to her Father "I love you Dad. Goodnight. I will be here bright and early!" She smiled and gave him one last squeeze before getting off the bed and gathering her shoes and her purse. Beckett got up and followed her to the door.

They spoke in hushed whispers for a minute before Alexis practically threw herself at Kate. They hugged all the while he could see Kate running her fingers through Alexis' hair and whispering to her. His heart did a backflip at the interaction between the two most important women in his life.

Alexis pulled away and Kate kissed her head before sending her off. Kate sheepishly walked back over to the bed and sat in her chair.

"I hope you don't mind I sent her home, but I thought she needed some sleep. She has finals coming up and she hasn't been sleeping and today was stressful and…"

"Wow, wow Kate slow down. It is fine that you sent Alexis home. I was actually going to suggest the same thing. And what are you still doing all the way over there." In truth she was sitting right beside him close enough to touch. But he still opened his arm for her. She acquiesced and kicked off her shoes before climbing up beside him. She was still nervous of his many cuts and bruises but it seemed so right to be in his arms once again she quickly relaxed into his uninjured shoulder.

She could feel him falling asleep under her. He had been up way longer than he should have been so she decided she might as well sleep too. They would talk a little later when he was woken up for his check-up.

The last thing she heard before falling asleep was "Goodnight, Love."

**A big confession and a lot more Caskett and Jo in the next chapter! Please Review and tell me what you think or what you would like to see in the future! **


	7. Chapter 7, Part 1

**Part 1: **

She woke an hour later when the doctors performed Castle's check-up. She insisted that she stay for this one. She wanted to see exactly what they were dealing with. She stood off to the side and observed the examination. It all happened so quickly, a practiced and exact science.

There were two nurses and Dr. Jacobs. One nurse took his temperature and asked him questions about his pain levels and general questions to make sure his brain had not regressed. The other nurse unwrapped and rewrapped wounds for the doctor to examine and made notes while the doctor spoke.

When the sheet was pulled back Kate had to hold back a gasp. She had yet to see his wounds and they were much worse than she thought. The way he had been smiling and laughing she assumed that his injuries were not bad. She was wrong. He was a good actor.

She had seen the bruises that dotted his upper chest, but that was nothing compared to the rest of him. The bruises were bigger and darker under the sheet. His entire side was blackened as if he had been beaten with a large object repeatedly. The thought made her shudder. There was a small line of two or three stitches just below the black. There were small round burns, most likely from a cigarette or cigar, dotting the inside of his left arm. They looked to be older and were just being treated so that they would fade. His right thigh had a long line of stitches with yet more bruises and cuts. There were little scars here and there all over along with a few longer jagged looking scar

It brought tears to her eyes and she retreated into herself imagining all that he must have gone through. She didn't even realize that they were alone again until Castle called out to her.

He hadn't really noticed Kate through the exam. He answered questions and watched the nurse uncover his wounds. He held an awkward small talk conversation with the doctor and made a joke with the nurses. His eyes had followed them out the door and that was when his eyes fell on Kate.

She was standing a few feet away with her arms crossed protectively over her chest. She had tears in her eyes as she stared off into space. She looked devastated. It broke his heart to see her this way.

"Kate?" She didn't look up.

"Kate!" He tried again. She looked up. Startled out of her thoughts.

"C'mere." She shook her head and took a step back. He hated that she felt that way, but he knew he could fix it.

"Come on, please. Let's talk about this." She shuffled forward reluctantly until she was standing beside him. She kept her eyes trained on the floor.

He sat up a little bit farther and propped himself up against the pillows so that he was fully sitting up. She visibly flinched when he was unsuccessful in hiding his momentary discomfort at the change in position. He took her hand and pulled her so that she was sitting on the edge of the bed facing him.

"I'm fine. Look at me." He gently lifted her chin so that their eyes met. She sniffled and a single tear broke free. "I feel better than I have in years. I'm all stitched up and I have medication for the pain. I'm getting nutrition and they just told me I could probably have a milkshake later today. Solid foods within the next few days. And most of all I have you.

"Kate I am nothing without you. You are all that I need. I will take a few stitches and cracks any day as long as you're here with me." She rolled her eyes and smiled a watery smile at his cheesiness.

"Can you just… Just tell me what happened. All of it from the beginning." He started to protest but she had already made up her mind. "No, Castle. I can take it. I need to know and I am not going to argue with you."

It wasn't her best argument and she didn't look very intimidating at the moment all cuddly and sad, but he knew there was no use trying to protect her. She needed answers. It was in her nature and he didn't want her to stew over it any longer. It would only serve to drive them apart in the end.

Using the hand he was still holding, he pulled her down onto his chest again. She did not come as willingly as she had before. She didn't want to hurt him, but he was stronger and won out in the end. She gingerly placed her head down on his chest right over his heart. The soothing sound had the same effect it always had and she was completely relaxed within seconds.

He waited for her to calm completely before he began his story.

"I was on my way to our…wedding." He could feel her tense at the memory. "I was driving along when a black SUV pulled up behind me. It was so fast I never saw it coming. One minute I was on the road and the next I was in the ditch. The car was wrecked and it felt like my head was going to split open.

Within seconds two men came and pried the door off. They wrenched me out and dragged me away. I thought at first they were going to help me, or that's what I told myself, but I was fooling myself. They were like robots. I was yelling questions and demanding they 'unhand me'. They just looked straight ahead and didn't even acknowledge me.

"They tied me up. I tried my hardest to get away. I fought with everything I had to get back to you. But as soon as I started to struggle two more men popped up out of nowhere. They threw me in the trunk and slammed the gas.

"I fought the whole way. I had almost figured out how to pop the latch when they stopped. They drugged me and I woke up in a cage." He was the one that cringed at that. She reached her arm up and stoked his cheek and neck to comfort him. He took a deep breath and continued.

"I didn't see anyone for what felt like days. The cage took up most of an underground basement. There was a hatch that opened when they pulled a rope from the floor above and they occasionally threw a piece of bread or half a stick of beef jerky down. Other than that I was completely alone.

"Eventually they came down. There were six men that I saw. All heavily armed and HUGE. They taunted me and yelled at me. They ate what looked like feasts in front of me just to make me feel more hunger. They never lay a hand on me, almost as if it were an order. They fed me only enough to keep me alive." He could feel the tears coming fast now and so he stopped and tightened his arms around her. She was not taking this well and he didn't want to continue. She calmed a bit and pulled on his ear. Her silent command to continue.

"That was the first place. I tried to keep track of how long I was there, but it was always damp and dark. I could never really tell. I slept a lot during that time.

"After a while a new man came down the stairs. He was different. He was wearing a suit and didn't carry any sort of weaponry, none that I saw. He came with two of his own personal brutes. He looked to be mid-forties. He explained the whole thing. He said that he was in a situation. He had kidnapped me over my father. The same as Alexis. Someone wanted him and all of his money. My father had killed a number of their 'family members' and they wanted revenge. But… he.. he never came. They gave him messages and ransom calls and he never came." It broke her heart to see him stumble over his words like that.

"He could be dead. He could have been killed on a mission, or he could have just gone completely off the grid. I don't know if the messages reached him, but it didn't matter because no one came. I thought they were going to kill me. They didn't have a use for me and it was clear they weren't getting what they wanted.

"That would have been too easy. He said he had another buyer. Someone who was dying to get his hands on me and would pay an even greater sum of money than they had originally wanted. Someone who wanted revenge for the pain I had caused him."

"Tyson?" Always the detective Kate had it figured before he even finished the buildup.

"Yes. He came down the stairs with the sickest smile on his face. I have no idea how he knew I was there or what connection he had to my original kidnappers. They talked as if I was a piece of meat and not a person. He cut a deal, gave the man a duffle of cash and I was his.

"They beat me down and drugged me again. I woke up in a prison cell, or what looked like one. I hadn't seen a bed in ages and I was almost grateful for the cell. He was the one that filled me in on how long it had been. Six months. Which now seems like no time at all but at that point I was shocked. Sure it felt like so much longer but actually hearing it made me sick.

"All I could think about was you. I imagined the woman I met six years ago and the woman I have heard you talk about. I hated myself for leaving you. I just kept telling myself that you had family now and they would help you through.

"I genuinely thought that I would die there. He took pleasure in seeing me in pain. He would beat me within an inch of my life and then nurse me back to health. He would starve me for days and then feed me a plethora of rich foods, those nights left with me being terribly sick, but that's beside the point. He would cut me and burn me just to hear the sounds I would make. I was tied to the bed for half the time and then then he would force me onto a treadmill until I passed out.

I tried to escape every chance I got but even if I could get passed the locks and sensors on the door he had his goons stationed everywhere. Eventually I just gave up. I didn't even feel anymore. I had no more will to live. I wanted him to kill me and I guess I lost my appeal."

Kate knew that that wasn't the whole story. He was protecting her and leaving things out, but she didn't push. She could feel his breath getting more and more labored and his words were becoming slower.

"How did you end up in New York? They told me you were found in an abandoned farmhouse in Allegany." Castle sighed. He knew that he couldn't get away without the ending. Sure he had left a few choice things out of the beginning and middle, but Kate Beckett needed closure and he could give it to her.

"Once I stopped trying, stopped feeling, Tyson decided he had had enough of me. He thought it was time to finish me off. I'm surprised it took him as long as it did actually. He tied me up, put me in a eighteen wheeler and drove. He told me he was going to kill me and put me in your precinct. He wanted you to find me and he was going to make sure you never found out what had happened." He omitted the manner in which Tyson was going to kill him. He said he was going to stab him in the same way Johanna Beckett had been. He was planning to put him I an alley and leave him to bleed out alone just like her mother had.

That steeled Castle's resolve to get away. There was no way he was going to let her go through that again. Especially after all these years. But that was a story for another day. For now he would just leave it with the basics.

"He underestimated how weak I was. I escaped from where he was holding me and made it to that barn. I started a fire so that someone would call the police and waited at the edge of the woods."

They sat in silence at the end of his tale. They were both a mess. Kate was clinging to him in a way she never had before. It broke his heart. Even though he knew everything he said she needed to hear, it didn't hurt him any less to see her that way.

He took advantage of it and held her tighter. He needed it too. They were both crying at this point and took solace in each other's heartbeats. His against her hair and hers against his side. It brought them peace.

Castle was exhausted and if she was honest with herself she was too. She knew he was trying his best not to fall asleep on her.

"Sleep, Castle. We both need it. We can talk more when we wake up."

"I love you, Kate. I'm so sorry."

"Nothin' to be srry for Cass..Love you too." She slurred as she fell asleep to the rhythm of his heartbeat.

**This is just part 1 of Chapter 7. Part 2 will be all Johanna! I just felt like they needed some answers before opening that box. **

**Please review and tell me what you think and would like to see.**


	8. Chapter 7, Part 2

Their nap only lasted for half an hour before the doctors and nurses interrupted again. They were both so exhausted they only stayed awake long enough for the doctors to do their jobs before they crawled back into each other's arms.

The night nurse promised them that since everything looked good there would be less interruptions for the remainder of the night. She made sure they both knew where the call button was and told them that if anything happened to press that button and they would come running.

The couple felt a sense of relief both in the fact that Rick was looking better by the minute and that they could sleep soundly for a few more hours. They quickly drifted off to sleep.

They slept soundly for a few hours before Rick woke up again. It was a refreshing feeling to wake up on his own. He took his time to let the sleep drain out of his system. He savored the weight of his fiancé in his arms. (They hadn't really talked about their relationship, however she was still wearing his ring and he couldn't bear to think of her in any other way.) As he opened his eyes and gave them s minute to adjust to the light he looked down on Kate.

There was no doubt that she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her hair was shorter than he remembered, about shoulder length. It fell in loose messy waves just like always, though it was a bit messier than normal considering the day she had. Aside from the cute little wrinkles that had appeared in her forehead there wasn't much that had changed about her. She was still the same old Kate and he couldn't be happier about it.

He was still having a hard time with Alexis. Three years had seen her into a whole new chapter in her life. She was a completely new person. Her hair was short and grown up. She had graduated college and was an adult. He had no idea if she had boyfriends in these past three years, does she have one now? He couldn't remember if it came up yesterday. There were so many changes that it was nice that his fiancé was still by his side.

He thought about her a lot in those three years. Almost constantly. He wondered what she was doing, who she was with, if she was okay? Questions swirled around his head. He had tried to picture what she would be like. Hoped that she was happy and thriving. But on the flip side, he wondered if she had moved on. She could have any man she wanted. He worried that she might have gotten over him and moved on. Logically he knew that she loved him. He was her one and done (no matter what Rogan O'Leary thought). He wasn't insecure in their relationship, but three years is an awfully long time to wait.

He looked down to her left hand that rested on his chest. His ring was still there. It made him proud. She was his. Even after all this time they were going to make it. He was going to get out of this hospital room and they were going to get married. They were going to be a family and nothing would come between them.

Just as he was imagining his bride glowing in a white dress surrounded by family and flowers, Kate stirred on his chest. He had almost forgotten how adorable she was in the mornings. Her nose crinkled up and she cuddled closer to him. She slowly opened her eyes before rapidly blinking against the light. He laughed at her and kissed the crown of her head. She pushed herself up and looked him straight in the eye with a huge grin on her face.

"Good morning. How long have you been awake?" She slowly sat up and stretched her arms up over her head. She then proceeded to pull her hair back into a messy ponytail and secure it with the band she had on her wrist.

"Not long. It's not quite morning yet. Still a few more hours before we have to face the day."

She knew this was her chance. They had a few hours of time to spend alone before their little bubble burst. Alexis was coming bright and early and Hurricane Martha was due back sometime in the afternoon. Kate was sure that the boys would need statements and interviews, not to mention some time to just be with their friend. Lanie and her Dad would want to stop by. And most importantly Kate had to go home to her baby girl and take her to her appointment. She had to find a way to explain all this to the toddler and somehow introduce her into all of this craziness that had become their lives.

"Yeah about today. There is something that I have to tell you, but just give me a minute." She practically ran to the bathroom attached to Castle's hospital room. She slid the door shut and breathed heavily against it. She had thought about this a million times. Not just in the last day or so but also ever since Johanna was born. She had been having this conversation with herself for years and yet now the time was here to actually say it and she couldn't find the words.

How do you just up and tell someone they have a child. He had no earthly idea that this had happened. He had missed so much of her life. She wasn't sure how he was going to react. Would he be excited, disappointed, nervous, angry at himself? This changed everything.

She was also blindsided with a fear that maybe he wouldn't want her. She knew that three years ago he would have been the happiest man in the world. However, a lot had changed in three years. He was still healing she hated to put all of this on him too.

Jo had never been a normal girl. She was slow and methodical. She didn't walk until she was nearly two and she was silent. There were a lot of people who did not accept her. They thought she should be studied and medicated and exiled from the other children. There were parents at the preschool who wanted her to be deemed special needs.

Kate admitted readily that she was different. In truth, she probably always would be. However, there was nothing wrong with her. She did not need medication and she was getting help. She was improving, Kate and Alexis could tell that the little girl was getting better in small ways. They were fiercely protective of the girl. Kate just hoped that Rick would not be the one she needed to be protected from.

Rationally she knew that her fears were crazy. There was no way Rick wouldn't love his own child, but with all they had been through she just hoped that he wouldn't see her as a burden or resent her because he had missed a lot of her life.

She could hear him calling out to her from the bed. She knew that she couldn't hide from this and that honestly she didn't need to. She locked eyes with herself in the mirror. She ignored her disheveled look and thought to herself: 'You are Kate Beckett. You can do this. He loves you and he loves her too, even if he doesn't know it yet.'

She opened the door, took a deep breath, and walked back into the room. Castle was sitting upright on the bed with the blankets smoothed out over top. He looked nervous. Apparently he knew there was something coming as well.

"Kate?" He questioned her with a broken voice. "Please tell me what's wrong. I know you have something weighing on that pretty little mind of yours. You know you can tell me anything. Even if it's that you have moved on or that you don't want to get married, please just talk to me." Every word drew her in like a moth to a flame. But the last words stopped her in her tracks.

"Wow! Rick, who said anything about moving on?" She quickly took up his hand and sat facing him on the bed. "I could never move on from you. I want to marry you, no, I will marry you! You are my one and done Richard Castle and I love you so much. How could you ever doubt that? I have worn this ring every day since the accident and I promise that I will never take it off." The sincerity in her voice choked him up and brought him to tears. He was so relieved to hear her say those words.

"I love you too and I can't wait to marry you!" He couldn't believe the brightness of the smile on Kate Beckett's face in that moment. Finally he just couldn't take it any longer. He cupped her face and ran a thumb over her cheek before meeting her halfway in a kiss. The kiss was not intense or passionate, but the soft touch of their lips conveyed all of the love, promise, and longing that could only be described as forever.

It didn't last very long but it was perfect. As they pulled back and looked into each other's eyes they immediately felt a fire between them. Their lips clashed together and tongues battled for dominance. All of the fire, anger, fear, and pure want were all thrown together in the kiss. Castle finally had to gently push her away so that he could catch his breath.

"Maybe…we…should…wait…on…that…just…a…bit…long..er." HE was breathing way to heavily for her liking and she actually got worried for a minute.

"Castle, I am so sorry! If I had known…or thought…" she was silenced by a hand on her knee and a sly grin from Rick. That grin was all she needed to know. It had been worth it and the slight glimmer in his eye said if she would give him five minutes he would do it all over again.

Kate took this moment of silence to man up and begin what would most likely be a long conversation.

"Rick." She waited until he looked up and saw the seriousness in her eyes before she continued. "I still have something to tell you and I am not really sure how to say this. I umm…well we actually…have a…" She grunted in disapproval of her own cowardice and uncertainty. She took a deep breath and started again.

"Castle we have a daughter." He sat shocked in the bed. Kate wasn't even sure he was breathing. His reaction, or lack thereof just added to her fears.

"Castle? Rick? Please say something. You are starting to scare me and I'm not really sure what I am supposed to do here there was no good way to tell you and I was afraid of what you would think and" He silenced her with another kiss.

She could feel everything he was feeling. The love, the excitement, the fear and uncertainty, and the anger, all conveyed in one touch. Even though she knew this conversation was nowhere near over she felt better now that the biggest secret had been exposed. The details could be sorted out later. All she needed to focus on now was her fiancé and his very talented lips.

The kiss was broken all too soon for either of their likings. As Kate opened her eyes she saw the biggest smile she thought she had ever seen. Castle's entire face looked as if it were going to split in two.

"Are you serious? Really? You are not joking? This is real? We have a daughter? I have a daughter?" All she could manage was a nod of her head to each question. He pulled her face to him for yet another kiss, though she was not complaining, and his smile got even larger if that was even possible.

"What is she like? Tell me everything." Before she could even get a word in he was firing off questions. "Oh, Kate I bet she is gorgeous? And smart and funny! Who is she more like? Does she have a wild imagination? Is she kind or sassy? I bet she is a bit of both, just like her mom! What's her name? Oh gosh she must be what…three now!" His barrage of questions ended abruptly with the last.

She could see him realize it. She was three. He had missed everything. He didn't get to see Kate grow and change. He hadn't been there when she had craved smorlettes at three in the morning. He wasn't there to see Kate's face when they handed her their daughter. He wasn't there for the midnight feedings or the potty training. He wasn't there to catch her when she took her first steps. He didn't read her her first bedtime story. He would never get those moments back.

"Kate." He said her name with such anguish and such defeat that her heart shattered right then and there.

"Shhhhh, Castle." She enveloped him in a hug and let his head drop to her shoulder as the tears fell. "It's okay. Actually I know it's not. It's not okay that you missed so much and you know what it sucks. It is unfair and you didn't deserve that and she didn't deserve that, hell, I didn't deserve that. But Castle you cannot blame yourself. It is not your fault. I know you would have been there if you could have. I know it wasn't your choice and if I ever see Tyson or one of those other obscene men I will shoot them dead myself.

"Castle, look at me." She lifted is head in her hands and made him look her in the eye. "You are an amazing father. No matter what. She will never hold it against you. She knows you are a hero and she knows that you love her. I made sure of that. I know it doesn't make it any easier but I love you. I will not let you be angry at yourself or depressed because of all you missed. I'm your partner and I don't know how, but we will get through this. There are still hundreds of firsts yet to come. And you will never miss one again.

"You have to believe me Rick." Her last words were pleading and sounded pathetic even to her own ears.

She let his head go and he buried it back into her shoulder. She held on to him as if her life depended on it. They sat in silence both mourning the time lost and everything that they would never get back. It was an awful and helpless feeling. She knew that this wasn't the end of Castle's insecurities and self-loathing. She knew it would eat at him, but she would make sure it did not consume him.

After they had both cried themselves out for the umpteenth time that day Kate decided it was time for the good part.

"Hey, come on." She pushed him back to rest against the pillows and stood up to reach for her purse. "Do you want to see pictures?"

"NO!" He had it out of his mouth before she could even finish the question.

"Castle, don't be like this.."

"No it's not that." He stopped her before she could accuse. "I just… I don't want the first time I see my little girl be on a screen. I want to hold her and touch her and run my fingers through her hair. I want to talk to her and be with her. I want to see her and I want us to be a family, but not like this. Okay?"

She didn't know what to say. She hadn't even thought of it that way. It was actually beautiful and she was glad he had put that much thought into it already.

"That's sweet Castle. We'll wait. I have to go and be with her today while you have your time with Alexis and then you can meet her. Castle she is amazing." He was already addicted to the way her face lit up as she talked about their daughter.

"Tell me more." He replied in the cheesiest of manners. They laughed and she came over to resituate herself on the bed to face him.

"She is beautiful. Gorgeous really. She has the clearest blue eyes, just like yours. And the sweetest little brown curls. Her name is Johanna Alexandria Castle."

His eyes welled to know that she was a Castle. "You named her after your mom?" He questioned. Originally she had been opposed to the idea. She said it would be too painful to say and think about.

"Well yes, my mother and you." He raised an eyebrow. "Alexandria is the female equivalent of Alexander. I didn't have a name picked out when she was born. I had this whole list and I couldn't decide. I waited to hold her and feel her. I thought her name would just come."

"And did it?"

"Not at first. It was Alexis actually. She said that the baby should know where she comes from and that she was loved by all those who came before her even if they couldn't meet her they would be watching over her. So we named her Johanna Alexandria.

"The best part is that saying Johanna makes me smile. It reminds me of the good memories of my mom and my little girl."

"I think it's perfect. Tell me more."

"Well we call her a number of things. Everyone calls her Jo, my dad calls her Hanna, but my personal favorite is Joey. It just fits her so well.

"She is in preschool now. She is doing pretty well, considering. And…"

"Wow! Wait!" She didn't even realize what she had said until Castle pointed it out. "Considering? What is there to consider? Please tell me she is okay?"

His worry almost made her smile. He was already the protective father and they hadn't even met!

"That's the other thing. There is nothing wrong with her I promise you. We've been through all sorts of tests and scans and god knows what else.

"Castle, Johanna is silent."

**Sorry for the cliffhanger! I had a lot more to say in this chapter than I originally thought. I had planned to have Jo and Castle meet but I dont want to rush and miss important emotions and situations I want to convey! **

**As always thank you for reading! I am so excited that you are enjoying this as much as me! I pinky swear Johanna and Castle will be together in the next chapter! **

**Please Review! **


	9. Chapter 8 Part 1

"Castle, Johanna is silent."

"What do you mean 'silent'?" It didn't have any of the bite that Kate normally expected with these questions. It was simply with concern and curiosity.

"I mean that she doesn't talk." It was said with a sigh and a hint of disappointment. She hated explaining the situation. "It isn't that she can't. We have been through a million and one tests and there is nothing wrong. She cries and occasionally whimpers but other than that she keeps to herself. I figure when she has something to say, she will say it. She's getting better, but I try not to push to incredibly hard." She said it so matter-of-factly and with a hint of snap. Castle knew she had been explaining this and defending Johanna too many times to count.

"She goes to therapy two days a week and another one visits on Saturday's after lunch. The other three days she goes to preschool. The school is to make sure she gets experience around other kids and adults that aren't me and Alexis. She is incredibly shy. She is really only comfortable with Alexis and I. There isn't much else to say. She is just silent."

For once Castle had nothing to say. Words were his thing. He was a writer after all. It was hard to imagine 100% silence from anyone, especially a child. Alexis, while she had been quiet as a child, had been very inquisitive and expressive. She had made up stories and asked a million and one questions every day.

"She has the most beautiful eyes, Castle." Kate had turned from defensive and pointy to completely in love as soon as she turned the conversation back to her daughter. "She has a huge imagination that much I know. When she is playing with her dolls or running around on some mystery I made up for us to solve I can see the stories in her eyes. You can see everything she is thinking and feeling just through her clear blue eyes. Your eyes. It's my favorite thing about her!" Rick was captivated by the look of adoration on his fiancée's face while she spoke. She fell silent and he could see the wheels turning in her head. The uncertainty that she felt and the hope that she held out. He knew that he had to reassure her of his feelings. She had no need to be worried.

"I love her, Kate." She was startled at his unexpected confession. "I haven't even met her yet and I love her. She is ours and nothing will ever change that. I don't care if she has terrible taste and loves Nebula 9 or if she hates my books or if she hates laser tag or if she never speaks a word. I will always love her and you."

"Even if it's my fault?" The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could remember to hold it in.

"Your fault? Kate, why would you think that? I know for a fact that you would never hurt her. Seeing the way you talk about her and how much you care that just proves to me what I already know." She looked up questioningly. "You are an amazing mother, Kate."

She knew it was crazy to believe him. He had never seen her as a mother and couldn't possibly know what kind of mother she was, but his words soothed her nonetheless.

"I just… I have never told anyone this." He started to rub soothing and encouraging circles on the back of the hand that he held. "I just I feel like this is partially my fault. My heart wasn't strong enough. I was in the hospital for a long time before she was born and they had to deliver her early when it started to give out. Not only did I almost lose her I almost left Alexis alone as well. She was way too small and she needed more warmth and affection. I tried to be everything she needed and I loved her so much. She was perfect and I was happy, most of the time. I loved her so much, but I just… sometimes… I felt." Her eyes welled and she took a shaking breath. He could see that she was fed up with all the crying and emotions that she was so unaccustomed to.

"Sometimes I wasn't enough. I was such a mess. Not in public or around Alexis. I tried to be strong for her, but in the comfort of our bedroom I couldn't handle it. Some days, on the worst days, I just sat and cried. She needed me to be a whole person, she needed me to be more than who I was. I just…couldn't. I was her mother and for those first couple of months I couldn't pull myself together. I failed her.

"They say babies can sense these things. They pick up on every little thing. I did this… I.." She couldn't hold back the tears anymore. It was too much for him to handle. He pulled her up and into his lap, carefully to avoid hitting his stitches and most of the bruises. But honestly she could have pulled out all of his stitches one by one with rusted plyers if he could erase the pain she was going through.

She curled up against him as he moved his right, and injured, leg out of the way. He hated that he did this too her. He had made her feel broken and alone.

"Kate. You could never not be enough for her. You are her mother and she loves you." He knew that all of what he was saying was the truth, but he wished he had some personal experience with the mother/ daughter duo. "Don't ever doubt that, okay? It was most definitely not your fault. If anyone is to blame it's me. I am the one who wasn't here for you. No matter what we are together now. You cannot blame yourself. You have done such a great job with Alexis and I am sure Jo is just as fabulous and extraordinary as her mother."

She made no comment on his words, but as always they seemed to sooth her. She was glad to have gotten her guilt and fear off of her chest. There was nothing else standing between them. Everything was out on the table and they both felt lighter than they had in years.

Kate knew everything would be okay. She hoped that Johanna would be able to accept Castle. And she hoped that it was sooner rather than later.

After a while, Castle shifted Kate so that she was sitting in the vee of his legs. He wrapped his arms around her loosely and shifted her to the left so she would avoid hurting his ribs. They talked for hours. Kate told countless stories about Alexis and Joey. He asked questions occasionally, but he mostly listened to the stories of his little family.

All too soon Kate's phone sounded the end of their little oasis. She had set an alarm the night before so that she would be on time to pick up Johanna for her appointment. As much as she hated to leave Castle she knew that Joey would never stand for her to be away anymore and Kate missed her terribly.

She looked up at Castle apologetically before gingerly climbing over his leg and out of his arms. They both missed the warmth of one another.

"You know this is the last alone time we are going to have for a very long time." Castle sounded like a sad puppy.

"Yes, unfortunately I think that's true." She leant down and placed a sweet kiss to his lips. "But the sooner you let me leave the sooner you get to meet your daughter."

His face lit up at the prospect. She knew that it had been eating at him ever since she told him a few hours before. They had agreed to let Kate take her to her appointment and then find a way to explain the situation before bringing her back to meet Castle.

With one last kiss and a longing glance she left the hospital room. She was incredibly nervous about leaving Rick and about her inevitable conversation with Johanna. She tried not to think about either as she took a cab to the loft.

As she unlocked the loft door she noted the time on her phone. It was almost 7:30 AM. She severely hoped that Joey had not woken up yet. She knew that would not go over well. She had never broken a promise to her little girl and she wasn't about to start now.

She opened the door and dropped her things at the door before taking off her coat and shoes.

"Morning, Dad!" Her father was already up and reading the paper over a cup of coffee. He waved a hand in acknowledgement of her greeting before going back to the sports section. She laughed at his antics. He had always been this way with the newspaper. She could never figure out what made it so interesting.

There was no sign of Alexis and Kate figured she had already left for the hospital. It was a comfort to know she would be with him while she couldn't be.

Wasting no time she made her way up the stairs and into Jo's room. She slowly opened the door to the girl's bedroom and stepped inside. The room was fairly bright due to the sun streaming in the windows. She was a little bit surprised to see her little girl still asleep.

Joey was curled up in a little ball surrounded by fluffy blankets and her stuffed toys. Her two favorites were the little stuffed elephant Alexis had given her when she was born and her new Olaf that she had gotten for her last birthday.

Kate kneeled down beside the bed and gently rubbed her daughters back. Almost instantly her piercing eyes were on Kate. It almost startled her. Looking at her daughter she knew that she had been awake for a while, but was waiting for Kate to come and get her.

"Hey, baby! I missed you yesterday! Did you have fun with Grandpa?" Johanna simply rolled off the bed, trusting her mother to catch her in her arms.

Kate immediately cuddled her into her chest and squeezed tight.

"I know you don't like it when we can't be together, but it is going to happen sometimes. You are a big girl now and you don't need me to be here all the time. Grandpa loves you and he wants to spend time with you too. Grams too."

They had this conversation often and Jo just nodded along each time. Kate hoped that in a few years she would be comfortable with sleeping over with their family. Maybe even a trip to her father's cabin. As it was she would only sleep at the loft.

Kate went through the little girl's morning routine. She got her dressed and brushed her teeth and hair. She was extra conscience of the little girl was wearing today. She wanted her to look her very best for such a big day.

She decided on a purple dress with lots of ruffles on the skirt and sheer black tights. She brushed her little curls and tied a purple ribbon around her head like a headband. She topped it off with her little black Mary-Jane's.

When Kate was satisfied with her appearance she scooped her up and kissed her cheek before carrying her down the stairs. She poured her a bowl of cereal and sat her down beside her Grandpa just as he finished the paper.

"Alright you two, I'm going to have a shower before we hit the road. Don't get into too much trouble while I'm gone."

Jim nudged the little girl who smiled back at him as Kate walked away. Her heart soared at the exchange. It seemed to be a little inside joke between the two and she was glad that they were closer nowadays.

Kate hurried through her morning routine. She tried not to think about the day ahead and all she had to do. She tried not to think of the man across the city in the hospital bed.

She was finished in no time. She didn't feel the need to put on more makeup or spend more time on her hair than she normally did. She knew Rick could care less and he preferred a more natural look anyway.

She was ready to go by 8:15, their appointment was at 8:30 so there wasn't much time to linger. She did manage to throw some t-shirts and clean boxers into a bag for Rick and kissed her father on the cheek before running out the door with Joey in tow.

She knew her dad had to get off to work, but he had promised to come by and see Rick after he had finished.

The ride to the therapy office was silent which was not too unusual. Occasionally Kate would tell a funny story or have a one-sided conversation, but today she had way too much on her mind. She was still unsure how to broach the subject of Castle with her daughter so she used the drive to brainstorm her options.

The traffic was horrid and they arrived a little bit late to the appointment. They didn't even have to wait to be called back which was a relief. Today, Kate just wanted to get it over with. It was a Thursday so Johanna went in alone. Saturday's and Tuesday's were open sessions. Kate attended both and Alexis tried to come to the loft on Saturdays as often as she could.

Johana hesitated as her doctor took her by the hand. Kate dropped a kiss to her head and gave her a small push inside. Jo liked Ms. Erin and to a child the sessions were playing with toys and doing exercises they found interesting. It might be a puzzle or a computer game designed to help her come out of her shell. Most all required verbal response. Jo had yet to respond, but she was getting good at the games and at her attachment in life and in exercises.

Kate must have fallen asleep for the hour long appointment because the next thing she knew a little hand was tugging on her jacket. She blinked awake and her vision was filled with a worried Jo.

"Just a little sleepy, baby." She explained to her daughter before scooping her up and tickling her sides. The girl giggled and squirmed. "Sorry about that. I've had a busy week." She said to Erin.

"It's no problem! She did very well today. She picked the Grandpa card and smiled a lot. I assume that's good news." Kate nodded enthusiastically and squeezed her tighter. Alright, I will see you on Saturday Johanna."

The little girl waved goodbye and Kate gave her a smile before they were out the door.

It was just after 9:30 so Kate decided coffee was in order. They left the car and walked to the shop around the corner from the office. It was a regular place for them after these sessions. Johanna skipped beside her mother all the way to the shop and chose a chocolate chip cookie to go with her mini hot chocolate.

Kate was glad that Joey was in such a good mood today.

"Shall we eat here or would you rather do something special today?" The answer was clear as the excitement lit up the little girls face. Kate picked her up and balanced the drink tray and her daughter with a practiced skill.

They walked a few blocks and reached their favorite coffee drinking spot. Ever since her first park visit Johanna had been in love with the swings. She laughed for hours and hours on these very swings. It was a sound Kate could never get enough of so the park was a very frequent spot for them.

Kate deposited her daughter into a swing and took up the one next to her. Once they were settled Kate handed the girl her cookie and dove right in.

"Hey, Joey. You remember when you asked the man in all the pictures?" When Johanna was younger she had stared at the pictures on the tables and walls. Kate would find her staring up at the endless staircase in Rick's office or an old family photo and have to break her out of her reverie. One day she had found her two year old pointing to Rick in a picture of him and a young Alexis. Kate took that for asking. She had talked to the little girl about her dad before that day, but there was a much longer and deeper conversation that day. "Remember I told you that he was your Daddy. He loved us so much but he had to leave."

The little girl nodded as she took the last bite of her cookie. She hopped off the swing and ran in a circle around Kate with her arms straight out like an airplane. Kate stepped up and grabbed her before spinning her in her arms and sitting her on her lap.

"Yes. That's right your Daddy is a superhero. He saved Mommy and gave me you." Kate kissed the crown of her head and continued on with her story. "Well, baby, your Daddy came back."

Joey looked up at Kate in confusion. She had been to the gravesite twice before and Kate had told her he wouldn't come back.

"I know what I said before. I didn't think that he would ever come back, but he found a way to beat the bad guys. That's where I went yesterday to take care of him. He was not feeling too well, but he is much better now." She realized she was rambling and probably doing nothing to help the little girl.

"He wants to meet you. He is actually very excited to meet you."

Johanna looked a little bit interested, but still skeptical.

"It's going to be great, baby. We talked about families, right. How ours was a little broken, but it was still good. Just like Lilo. Well now it's going to get bigger, like a patch over a hole."

Joey just turned and snuggled into Kate's arms. Kate wrapped her up in her arms and hefted her up as she stood. They walked back to the car lost in their own thoughts. Kate hoped she had done at least an okay job in explaining the situation to her little girl. She also hoped that Johanna would give Rick a chance.

It could be very disastrous if she decided to ignore him as she sometimes did strangers. Though, Jo had always been a little taken with her father. Kate had gotten her a picture of him to keep for herself. Kate wasn't exactly sure where she kept it, but every so often it would make a reappearance in the girl's room or among her toys.

When she strapped Joey into the car she shut the door and took a deep breath. The butterflies in her stomach only worsened as she buckled up and pulled out of the parking space.

All the way to the hospital she went over all the horrible ways this could go wrong. They were so close to having a real family and their entire future relied on what would happen within the next few hours. She didn't even want to think about what would happen if this didn't go well.

Would they get married? Would they still live in the loft? Would Rick still want their little girl? She stopped herself. She knew that those questions were absolutely ridiculous. There was no way that Rick would let them go and she wouldn't let him go either. He loved them and that would be enough. Hopefully.

Before she knew it they were parked and Jo had unbuckled herself from her seat. Kate opened her door and the little girl practically jumped into her arms.

"Alrighty girly let's go. Oh I almost forgot. Guess who's here too?" She waited a moment as she always did before answering her own question. "Lexie."

Joey lit up and smiled wide at the thought of being with her sister.

The elevator climbed up the floors agonizingly slowly. Both of them were itching to get out for very different reasons. When it finally dinged, Kate sat Jo on her feet and took her hand. The door opened to reveal Alexis standing against the wall.

Jo was off in a flash and jumped up into her arms.

"Ughh. Hey! I'm so happy to see you!" Alexis twirled the girl around and smiled at Kate. "Check up." She mouthed.

Kate sighed. Another minute wouldn't kill her. Alexis was animatedly telling Johanna a story about a frog and a fly when the door opened and the doctor and nurses shuffled out. Kate shook their hands and they told her he was doing very well so far, but would need to start eating more if the trend was going to continue.

She thanked them and went over to the girls who had taken up residence on the other side of the door.

"Ready?" She questioned.

"As we will ever be!" Alexis looked up at Kate. Clearly just as nervous as Kate was. Both older women took one of Johanna's hands before nodding to each other and entering the room.

**Don't hate me but this was too long to all be one part! Part 2 will be up ASAP!**

**All review welcome! Thanks for reading.**


	10. Chapter 10

Castle was sitting alone in his hospital room, after his checkup, thinking about all that had changed in the last twenty-four hours. He went from having absolutely no reason to live, to having everything he had every wanted within his grasp. He knew this was not over. Ryan and Esposito were coming to take his statement after their shifts tonight and there would most likely be a messy trial and investigation. But right now none of that mattered.

Today was about his family. He could not wait to meet his daughter. It was still saddening to think of all he had missed and he hated himself for making Kate do it alone. He vowed to never leave them again. He was here to stay and he hoped that he could convince his little girl of that.

Both Kate and Alexis had warned him about her shyness. Alexis had been the one to go through everything after Kate left this morning. She explained in more detail the ins and outs of her younger sister. She cried around strangers and hated to be touched by people she didn't know. He knew that it wasn't going to be a cake walk to get to know her, but he was ready to put the work in. He just hoped that he would know what to say and do. He did have a tendency to overstep.

His door creaked and he lifted his head expecting to see Alexis coming back to the room and his greeting died on his lips when he saw the other two girls with him.

It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. His three favorite girls. There between his wonderful daughter and the love of his life stood HIS little girl. He still couldn't believe that it was true, yet here was his living breathing proof.

His hand came up to cover his face and tears pooled in his eyes as he took her in and quickly fell in love. She was so tiny. Smaller than he remembered Alexis being at three. There was no doubt that this was Kate's daughter. She had long brunette curls that fell almost halfway down her back. Her little facial features and smile were perfectly Kate. True to Kate's description her eyes mirrored his own.

She was the most adorable little girl. He could already picture her running around the loft making up stories and saving the world. He could see her playing in the waves and building a sandcastle in the Hamptons with Kate and Alexis reading and sunbathing nearby. He couldn't wait for Christmas morning when she would come running in their room to wake them up before going to see what Santa had brought just for her. So many perfect scenarios ran through his mind.

All he could do was stare and gawk at how perfect his family was. Kate was looking between the Father and daughter with tears in her eyes. She had lost all hope of being able to see Castle fall in love with their daughter. It was everything she had dreamed it would be.

Kate could feel a little bit of tension coming off of Johanna as she stood under the gazes of everyone in the room. It made her uncomfortable and Kate felt her grip tighten on the hand she held. She and Alexis managed to keep her in between them with their joined hands to that she would not hide behind Kate's legs.

After a silent minute had passed though the little girl cracked under the pressure. She suddenly wrenched her hand away from Alexis and spider monkeyed her mother. She luckily was not crying or screaming and Beckett took that as a good sign.

Kate wrapped her hands around her daughter and turned around to soothe her. She refused to leave the room and she figured that she would kill two birds with one stone and let Castle gather himself as well.

Alexis walked over to her Father and squeezed his arm before dropping into the chair next to the bed. He had gathered himself a bit, but his breathing was still rapid. His eyes never left Johanna. He was in shock and awe of her. His little baby girl.

He understood her discomfort, but it still took all of his strength to keep from calling out to her or getting up and wrapping her up in his arms. He knew it might be a long time before the last one was possible. He sat on his hands and watched as Kate whispered to the little girl.

Johanna's little head lifted slightly to look at her Father. She refused to meet his eyes, but she did look in his direction for as long as she could stand it before burying her head back into the familiarity of her mother.

Kate was at a loss of what to do. Joey was doing surprisingly well. In a normal situation she would have immediately tried to run and it would have most likely ended in tears. Kate wasn't sure if it was her recent improvement or Rick that had caused the change. It was probably a bit of both. Technically Castle wasn't a stranger. He was a part of Johanna and Kate and Alexis. Really everyone in her life had a little piece of Castle in them. She was grateful for her strength, however it did present some issues.

Now the problem was that Kate didn't want to push too far. She didn't want this to become a bad memory. She just wasn't sure exactly how to make that happen. She was actually surprised at Castle's restraint and she wasn't about to take his little girl away from him so soon.

So she did what Erin had told her from the start: "Start from where you are and take baby steps toward your goal." Right now she was standing a few feet away and her goal was Castle's arms. She couldn't wait to be wrapped up in them and feel their little family together.

She swung around and locked eyes with her fiancé. They both had the biggest smiles on their faces as Kate started taking little steps forward. She didn't want to startle the girl so she simply started up a regular conversation.

"Did you have a good morning, Castle?" She said as her eyebrow rose to keep Rick playing along.

"Oh, it's been wonderful!" Jo cringed at the sound of a new voice so Kate stopped and rubbed little circles on the girl's back. "Much better now that my three favorite girls are here." His voice was laced with so much emotion and his eyes held so much love Kate's knees threatened to buckle.

Kate slowly moved forward as she felt Johanna relax back into her arms. She was moving at a snail's pace, but it was progress. "The doctor said that you should get to drink something real in the nest hour or so."

Castle hummed in response as they approached. They were now standing right in front of his bed. He bit into his cheek to keep from reaching out and pulling them both to him. It was all he wanted in that moment but he knew that could potentially ruin everything so he sat perfectly still and waited to take Kate's lead.

"Hey, baby." Kate's voice was quiet and smooth as she bounced the girl and coaxed her into lifting her head. She leaned back and looked into her eyes. "Do you remember who I told you this is?" Johanna's little head bobbed down slowly in affirmation.

Kate slowly unwrapped the girl from around her and repositioned her facing out against her chest. She hadn't held her like this in the crook of her elbow in a long time and it was more uncomfortable than she remembered.

Johanna was now face to face with her Father. She did cower back slightly and she still refused to meet his eyes, but she didn't fully turn away. All three of the adult's hearts soared with pride. Kate gave a little nod to Rick as if to nudge him on.

"Hey there sweet girl." His voice shook a bit and it was much quieter than before. Alexis put a hand on his arm in support. "I have missed you so much. More than you will ever know, and I promise that I will never leave you again. I love you, Johanna." Rick, Kate, and Alexis were all in tears at the declarations. They all heard the truth in the words and their meaning was felt deeply.

Johanna was not as sure as the rest of her family. Her entire world had changed without her even knowing it, but she felt the words too. It wasn't as deep and she was having a hard time putting everything together. Still she felt loved and safe. She was wrapped up in her Mother, her big sister (who she loved dearly) was nearby, and her daddy was here.

She had seen his picture a thousand times. She had heard her Mommy's stories she had even seen her Mother cry when they visited the grave. But still she didn't know him really and she was nervous. He was big. Much bigger than her Mommy but not quite scary. He had cords and wires coming into him and she wasn't sure what to think.

His words made her feel better. They made her feel special. And for a split second she looked up. She fully looked at him. Right into his eyes before dropping them again.

Castle poured his heart out to his little girl. He wasn't sure if she understood or if she really believed him, but he said it anyway. To all three of his girls really. He meant every word and he hoped she would somehow be comforted. He was shocked when she looked up. Those piercing blue eyes stared straight at him for the longest moment of his life before dropping again to look at nowhere in particular.

But a moment was all it took. He had heard her loud and clear. The silent declaration was unmistakable.

'I love you too, Daddy'


	11. Chapter 11

**A few things before we dive into the chapter: **

**1. ****Thank you all so much for all the follows, favorites, and especially the reviews! They make my day and I love you all! **

**2. ****I am so sorry for the delay! Life got crazy and I had a lot to deal with, but I am back up and running now! Thank you for your patience. **

**3. ****Just to clarify Johanna did not speak "I love you…" it was an unspoken communication! **

**4. ****I am thinking about taking prompts in the very near future, but I want to have a few trial runs first! If you have something you would like to read drop one in my ask on Tumblr khoughtonb. (I can't promise that everyone will be written but I will try my best!) **

**Alright enough of my rambling…On to the story! **

The look on Castle's face told Kate exactly what had just happened. She knew how powerful just a single look could be, Joey's especially. Those little eyes could tell you everything you needed to know and it could be a very overwhelming feeling.

They all stood frozen for a few moments as the nervousness and apprehension in everyone disappeared. Alexis relaxed back in her chair, Joey turned her head and buried it into her mother before relaxing completely, a smile broke out onto Kate's face as she watched her little family, and Rick kept his eyes trained on his little girl.

He was mesmerized. She was so beautiful and so perfect. She was everything that he had imagined she'd be. He never thought he would be here. Not two days ago he had given up on ever seeing his girls again and now here they were. All of them. Even the one he had never seen coming.

It made him furious that he would never get these three years back. He should have fought harder. He should have never let this happen. He wasn't there for his family. He promised to be there for Kate no matter what, and he had made her promise the same. He never imagined that he would have to break that promise.

Kate could see Rick's expression slowly change. He went from over the moon and in awe to guilt and anger at himself. She knew that when Rick got something in his head it was hard to get it out. She had to stop him from feeling so guilty.

Joey had relaxed in her arms significantly and her breathing had evened out. It had been a day and a half. Kate knew that the little girl had probably not slept well knowing her mother was not at home and they had a full morning. Kate made up her mind before she could second guess herself and lose her nerve.

She picked up a pillow and a blanket the nurses had brought them last night when it became clear Kate was not leaving. They hadn't been used, but now Kate was glad they were here. She made a little pallet on the foot of the bed and laid her daughter down for an impromptu nap. The girl shifted slightly and curled up into a tiny ball. Kate kissed her head and climbed up beside Rick.

Castle started on the bed as he felt the bed dip. He had been too lost in himself to notice that she had put Johanna down. He quickly whipped his head around a few times before he found his little girl, he still couldn't believe he could say those words, fast asleep on the end of the bed.

She was even more adorable while she slept, if that was possible. His eyes lingered on the little girl before shifting over to Kate. She smiled as wide as he had ever seen and he smiled back, a little weaker than she would have liked.

Alexis knew that her parents needed a word with each other and she hadn't been off this hall in hours. She stood quietly and stretched her legs. She took the time to kiss her little sister on the head before gesturing to her father that she was going to get coffee. She paused at the door to look back at her family.

Ever since she was a kid she had longed for a family. When she was younger she had wanted a mother of her own. She had asked for a little brother or sister for Christmas more years than she could count. Eventually she had given it up and realized that it would just be her and her father.

She had come to terms with that fact and loved their unconventional family. Her gram was always around and together they had made her life wonderful. She would never complain, she was blessed beyond belief, but there was always a small hole. So small that it was only visible on rare occasions.

The hole had grown when her father had pulled away and grown depressed over Kate. Alexis had hated the way Kate had messed up their little family. Even after they had gotten together she was competing for his time and felt on a whole out of the loop. She had been angry then and the hole was much more noticeable.

It had gotten smaller when she moved back to the loft and she actually believed that their odd dynamic could work. She had been involved in the wedding planning a bit and had been genuinely excited. And then the accident happened.

Her whole heart had been ripped apart. Her father had been taken away. Her rock and the one constant in her life had suddenly vanished and when she tried to turn to Kate she had fallen flat on her face. Those were the worst three months of her life. She had her Grams, but that was it. She grieved alone and bottled everything up.

Then just like it had crashed and burned her life took a one hundred and eighty degree turn for the better. It had a rocky start, but in no time they were a family. Even before Jo was born. They grieved together. Alexis would come and crawl in Kate's bed after a bad dream. They talked about everything and nothing.

Kate helped her study and make decisions. She was happy again and Jo only added to that happiness. But the hole in her heart was there. A gaping reminder off the man she lost. She thought that she would never have a full family. She had lost all hope of having that kind of home.

As she looked back into the hospital room she knew that she was home. It was too clean and too white. The chairs were extremely uncomfortable and the coffee was sub-par at best. But, it was home. Kate was curled into her father with a small smile on her lips even as her eyes were closed. Her father resting his chin on Kate's head was looking at little Johanna like she was the most precious thing in the world. It made Alexis' heart soar knowing that they were all together. There were problems to work out and years of hurt to talk about, but they were a family and it was finally complete.

The small click the door made was enough to draw Kate out of her small daydreaming-with-her-eyes-closed-exhausted state. She lifted her head and sat up slightly.

"Rick," she almost whispered to get his attention, which was at that moment completely on their sleeping daughter. At the sound of his name he looked down at her surprised to see her awake.

"Hey, you look exhausted. I know for a fact you didn't get enough sleep last night. Go back to sleep. We'll all be fine until you wake up." He had noticed that she was trying to be strong. She was the rock and she was used to being in command. It suited her and she was so used to it that it had become a sub-conscience thing. She gave orders and organized things. He knew that she hadn't slept well. He could see the darkness under her eyes and the tension in her body.

Being a single parent himself he knew that this was probably a normal thing for her. His first order of business was to change that. He was here, Alexis was here and she didn't need to be the one to do everything and fix everything.

"No. No, I'm okay. I'm used to it by now!" Even though it was something he had already realized and acknowledged to himself it still stung to here from her. He wasn't there and she adapted to do it all on her own.

She noticed when he deflated ever so slightly at her comment. She hadn't really been thinking when it came out. It was true. She learned to go without sleep and with a lot of stress around her. It was worth it and she really didn't mind. Anything her family needed she did without question.

"No. That's not what I meant." She tried to amend her earlier comment. "I just… Well it's true. I don't ever get enough sleep, but I didn't do that before Joey either. None of this is your fault. I can see that look of guilt and sadness in your eyes. I hate it.

"You did nothing wrong and I don't blame you for any of this. Your family doesn't blame you for what happened. Was it the hardest thing any of us ever had to do? Yes. Do I wish that you had been there for all of the appointments, shopping trips, baby stuff, and milestones? Yes. But we can't change it.

"You are an amazing father and you always will be. It's one of the first things that I liked about you. You are fabulous with Alexis and I know you will be just as fabulous for Joey. You need to believe that. I am just happy that you are here and okay. Nothing else matters." She had so much more to say. She could ramble on for hours about how extraordinary and strong Rick truly was. However, she kept it short and sweet. She just wanted to get the emotional part over, at least for today.

"We all have regrets. I wish with all of my heart that I had not stopped searching for you. I wish that I had been strong enough to keep going and to fight for you instead of walking away." He went to protest, but she cut him off. "But I can't change that and I know that you don't blame me for that. I did what I had to do and put my family first. You can't change the past, none of us can. We just have to come to terms with what has happened to us and move forward. If you keep looking back you are going to miss out on all the wonderful things that have yet to come."

Her words were exactly what he needed to hear. He had been bottling up guilt for the past three years and that only multiplied when he learned about Johanna. He still felt guilty and he grieved the time he would never get back, but he took her words to heart.

He looked to the edge of the bed where his little girl was sound asleep. She was so big and he didn't even remember her being little. It broke his heart to look at her and think of all that he missed, but she was right and if he didn't start looking forward the past would swallow him whole.

He sighed audibly in acquiescence and they both settled back down into one another.

"Sleep, Kate. I am here now and I can share the weight on your shoulders." He kissed her head softly and gave her a squeeze for good measure. "You're not alone and you never will be again."

She was beyond happy to hear those words. For the past three years she had a family. She was loved and she had an amazing support system. Everyone helped her and she was never physically alone. Yet, everyday she felt the emptiness creep in. The hollow feeling she got whenever she realized her partner was not going to come around the corner with a coffee and a smile.

That emptiness was gone. Laying here in the arms of her partner with her little girl a mere inches from her feet she was completely and totally full of love and happiness. She would never again have to carry the entire weight of the world on her shoulders. She had a partner willing to take it on with her. She knew there was a long road ahead, but she no longer travelled alone.

Rick slowly felt her breathing get deeper, before it evened out and he knew she was asleep. He hoped that it would last. She deserved to have a few hours, really more than that, of deep and uninterrupted sleep. He prayed that Johanna would also stay asleep for a while. He knew there was no way she would be okay in the room if Kate was not awake to comfort her.

He tried to stay awake and keep watch over his family. He really did. But the strong medicine combined with the craziness of his life in the past few days eventually won out. He fell asleep completely content and happy for the first time in forever.

Martha Rogers had been going crazy to get back to New York for the past 30 hours. She had been running around like a chicken with her head cut off since she got the call. She could'nt believe that after three years her son had resurfaced. She had come to terms with his disappearance and presumed death long ago.

She had been devastated and in the early days it was hard enough to just put one foot in front of the other. She tried to stay strong for her family, but she failed most days. She was forced to make decisions and do things she never thought she would have too.

The arrival of her granddaughter had changed all that. Their broken little family attempted to heal itself and succeeded to a certain extent. They never got over it and never moved on, but they learned to live with it.

Now all of that was gone. He was okay and her heart was full of nerves and joy. She had been receiving texts from Katherine, Alexis, and even Jim Beckett on the condition of her son. Even though they were all good reports, every one better than the last, it still wasn't enough for her.

She needed a grand entrance. She needed to storm the castle and take no prisoners until she had seen to it that her son was truly here and alive. She was in a haze of emotions and had so many questions for her son. Her heart beat faster and faster with every step that brought her closer to her family.

The nurse on the ground floor had told her the room number and she had flown to the elevator and pressed the button more times than was necessary. She paced the hall and then the elevator and came as close to running as she ever had on her way to the door.

She steeled herself with a hand on the door handle. She didn't know what exactly to expect and she did not want to show her son just how flustered she had become. Even though all the evidence pointed to the contrary she was still worried about the condition of her son and all the trauma he went through. There was no way he was really as good as they had all said.

She pushed the door open and took a step inside. The room was dim and she gave herself a minute to adjust to the new light, or lack thereof. The picture that emerged was perfection. There was her son, bruised and a little pale, with a look of happiness and contentment that frankly looked out of place in this setting. Katherine was tucked gently into his side. Martha was floored at the look on her face. In all the years she had known Katherine Beckett she had never looked this peaceful. She was practically glowing even in sleep.

There against Kate's chest curled into the tightest of balls and pressed as close as she could get was the littlest Castle. Martha almost laughed at the way she was clearly trying to only touch her mother, but she was too mesmerized by the scene.

It was the first time Martha had seen the little family together. The only thing that could have made it better would have been the addition of Alexis into the picture. Martha didn't have the heart to wake the sleeping trio. She turned to leave the room and give the little family some time alone. She decided that she could make her grand entrance later.

Before she closed the door, Martha whipped around and snapped a picture. She wanted them all to remember this moment. There are very few perfect moments in life and even fewer for her son and his bride. They had been through hell to get here and she knew that the road ahead was likely just as bumpy as the one they had conquered. They had been robbed of their wedding day and three years of their lives together, and Martha would not allow this moment to slip away so soon.

By the time Kate and Rick woke up there was a copy of that picture on everyone's phone and one on its way to both Beckett and Castle's desks.

**I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter, but I felt like it was a necessary piece of the story. More fun family times to come! **

**REVIEWS are always welcome. **


	12. Chapter 12

***crawls out from under rock* I'm sorry for the delay (again)! I just have had no inspiration in the past few days! I think I've gotten it back now (fingers crossed)! **

**Anyways, enjoy! **

It's been a week. Seven whole days since Castle had come back. He was eating solid food and was awake for much longer periods of time. About three days ago he had started taking walks through the hallways with Kate or Alexis. His stitches were healing well and most of his smaller bruises were in their ugly yellowing stage. It was time for him to go home. He was so ready to be home.

He hated being chained to the bed. His family was free and they came and went. He was never really alone, but he was away from Kate, Alexis, and Joey much more often than he wanted to be. They came every day and stayed for a few hours. Even staying for dinner on most days. Joey and Alexis would play a board game or color on the floor and he would spend his time with his fiancé. They talked about everything and nothing all at the same time. He knew they all wished they could be there more often, but it was simply impossible. Castle would not allow Alexis to fall behind in any area of her life because of him and Joey couldn't afford to not go to therapy or get a full night's sleep.

His mother and the boys came by after work to fil in the gaps. Even Lanie and Jenny came by on occasion.

His favorite thing in the whole world was night time. A few hours after his family had left his door would creak open and Kate would come creeping in. Clad in yoga pants and one of his old t-shirts under her coat and not a stitch of makeup, she was beautiful. Every day she went home and tucked Joey in, made sure Alexis was settled, and headed out again.

There was no conversation or activities to pass the time. She simply crawled up into the bed and fell asleep in his arms. It was something they both had been forced to give up in his three year disappearance. Neither of them had ever gotten used to the emptiness beside them and they both slept better than they had in the past three years. The dark circles under both of their eyes disappeared. But, she was always gone by morning.

He couldn't wait until he could spend all of his time with his family. To just sit on the couch and let life happen around him. To be able to shower in his own bathroom and sleep in his own bed. To be able to go through their nightly routine side-by-side and to, hopefully, help tuck in his little girl. And to wake up with his beautiful fiancé by his side.

In the past week Joey had become semi-comfortable with her father. She was used to his voice and no longer jumped at the sound. She would hold his eyes and seemed to be interested in what he had to say. However while she would nap on the foot of the bed, that was as closest she had gotten to him. She was not okay with being touched by him and backed away if his hand even came toward him. On the advice of Ms. Erin they had not pushed the issue.

They didn't want her to regress or become fearful of her father. One day when she was more comfortable the touching would come. He would be able to hug her and play with her and teach her how to swim. He just kept telling himself that it would come eventually.

Now all that was left to do was get home and get on with his life. He would have to attend physical and physiological therapy sessions, but other than that he was a free man. Kate was currently signing his discharge papers and getting last minute instructions from the doctors. (He had done his part a half an hour earlier.) His daughters were snuggled up together in a chair watching a Disney show.

Kate had helped him dress this morning after a shower and there was nothing left to do but wait. He was restless and impatient. There was nothing to occupy his time. All of his books and toys had been packed up in a duffle bag and already waited in the car. Just as he wondered for the thousandth time what was taking Kate so long she appeared in the doorway.

"Thank God!" He practically shouted, startling both his daughters in the process. "It took you forever! Can we please go home now." Kate giggled at his antics.

"Cool it writer boy. We are almost set."

"Writer man, Kate, writer man. I am pretty sure that I have given you ample evidence to prove that by now."

"Eww. Dad, really? That is way too much information to the little ears in this room." Alexis huffed as she cut off the television and hoisted Joey onto her hip. "On that note we will meet you in the car."

"We'll be down as soon as the nurse gets here with a wheelchair for your father."

"We live with crazy people!" they heard Alexis say to Johanna as they walked out the door.

"Impatient are we?" Beckett questioned him as she walked over to stand beside him.

"I just want to be able to be a part of our lives. This past week I've just been on the side lines. I just want to start our lives together, as a family."

"I can't wait either, Castle. I am so glad you're okay and alive and here. I never thought we would be here. I love you so much."

Just then a young nurse knocked on the door signaling the arrival of the wheelchair.

"What do you say Castle? Ready to be a family?"

"Absolutely!"

Half an hour later they were home. Castle was situated on the couch, Kate in the kitchen trying to put lunch together while Joey played at her feet, Alexis and Martha had only stayed long enough to see that Castle was situated before they had scurried off to their respective classes.

The silence that filled the loft was not one born out of awkwardness, but rather of mutual exhaustion. The car trip had not been easy on any of them. Kate had long ago bought a more family oriented car, even though it was just the three of them and Martha, it just felt right. A little SUV that was kid friendly and could hold all of the stuff that came along with a growing child.

Castle was situated in the middle row of seats. Still a little uncomfortable bending and contorting to a smaller space, Alexis and Joey had ridden in the third row of seats. Kate took up the driver's seat with no one at her side. It was silently agreed upon that Jo was not going to be okay alone in the back seat.

The first five minutes passed quickly until Johanna realized how far away her mother really was and how close she was to Rick. She had been doing so much better in the last few days and no one expected her outburst. Alexis had to physically restrain her little sister from unbuckling herself to try and get to Kate. The last twenty minutes was spent in an unnecessary amount of traffic coupled with the screams of a very unhappy toddler.

Kate had been walking on egg shells waiting for something like that to happen and was only half shocked. The hospital was mutual territory and Johanna had been free to move quickly into her mother's or Alexis' arms whenever she felt unsafe. She was always pretty distracted by a game or a show on TV or her mother for that matter, but the car was different. It was hers. She always sat in the back seat and now Castle had taken up that seat. She was restrained in her car seat and had no way of getting to Kate. It was understandable, but that did not stop the headaches and frustration from coming.

Kate was experienced with panic attacks by now. She had experienced them herself and had gone through countless of Joey's mini ones. Alexis was not quite as experienced but Kate talked her through the process.

Alexis unbuckled the little girl once she had a good hold on her and cradled her to her chest allowing the girl to straddle her lap. She ran her hands through her little sister's hair and up and down her back. She soothed her with whispers of love and eventually a fairytale with a happy ending. It took almost the entire twenty minutes, but they eventually got the little girl down to just tears and uneven breathing.

At that point Kate took over the talking. It didn't matter what she said just so long as the little girl could hear her voice. When they arrived at the loft Kate opened the hatchback and Alexis assisted Johanna over the seat and into her mother's arms. She immediately quieted for good.

The only problem now was getting Rick out of the car and into the elevator without dislodging the girl from her mother. Thankfully the press had been restrained and they were using a back entrance where time and crowds on the street were a nonissue.

Luckily, Jim and Martha appeared just in time to assist Castle in his small journey allowing Kate to cradle her little girl and assist Alexis in carrying all of the stuff they had accumulated at the hospital. It wasn't until Kate walked into the loft and saw Castle's face that she realized what the car ride had been for him.

He had never seen Joey like that before and she could see it written all over his face that he thought the little meltdown was his fault. She also saw the hurt and frustration in his eyes. She knew him well enough to know that he had all kinds of hopes and dreams about everything he was going to do with his little girl and her panic had broken his dreams into pieces. Her heart lurched at the thought.

To her it was just another day. They didn't happen as often as they used to, but they had their bad days. When everyone at Martha's show wanted to pinch her cheeks or when a group of Alexis' friends came to the loft to have a place to work on a project when they hadn't built her up to it any number of things could throw her off. Today it just happened to be the car.

He wrote it off as exhaustion from the move and told everyone that he was fine, but Kate knew better. But she chose to give him his space for now while she made lunch. They both needed to get their thoughts together and while she hated that he was stewing over the incident she wanted to give him some time to cool down and lick his wounds before she interfered.

Just as she was putting the finishing touches on her homemade macaroni and cheese, the perfect, soft and cheesy comfort food, she felt Johanna tug on her pant leg. She looked down and smiled as her little girl made grabbing hands at her.

Kate stooped and whisked Joey up off the floor and set her gently on the counter beside the stove.

"Had enough of your cars for now?" Kate questioned as she scooped the pasta into a small pink princess bowl followed by two regular ones. The simple task was enough to make her heart soar. She was making lunch for the three of them. Her little family.

Joey gave a small kick to the counter below her to get her mommy's attention before bringing all five fingers of her left hand up to her lips and tapping them there a few times. It took a second before it registered with Kate what she was doing.

"Eat?!" She questioned excitedly. "That's right! I am so proud of you, Joey!" They had been trying to get her to catch on to a few more basic signs in the last few months. Hoping that eventually if she wasn't comfortable talking she could at least communicate her most basic needs to someone other than Kate. This was the first time she had signed anything other than 'yes', 'no', and 'I love you' without being prompted and shown multiple times before.

Kate picked up her little girl and squeezed her tight before spinning her around the kitchen in excitement. Her actions elicited a rare giggle out of Joey only adding to the greatness of the moment.

Castle, who had been previously occupied wallowing in pity, snapped his head up at the sound of the little girl's laugh. It was a perfect match to Beckett's only smaller and higher. It was instantly his favorite sound. He then sat all the way up and the picture before him, the love of his life and their little girl dancing around the kitchen as if all of their dreams were coming true, was instantly his favorite picture and he cursed his lack of camera or phone or any picture taking device. He forgot all of his worries and insecurities in that moment.

His eyes locked with Kate's and his breath was stolen again by how beautiful she looked in motherhood. He had seen her in many different lights since his return, but Mommy was definitely his favorite. Even a blind man could see that she was a fantastic mother. The way she had handled both of his daughters today in the car amazed him. She calmed them both with words of encouragement and love.

As these thoughts poured into his mind he barely had time to register what was happening before Kate was flopping down on the other end of the couch with Joey in her arms before they were both right there in front of him. She shot him a split second look of apology for the giant gap she had put between them, before she was back to all smiles. It stung a bit, but he was just happy to be included in whatever had made his girls so happy.

"Can I tell Daddy what you did?" Kate cooed softly to the still smiling girl she held in her lap. Joey's only answer was to bury her head as deep into Kate's side. They both took that as a yes. "Joey told me she was hungry!" She caught the look in his eyes immediately and corrected herself. "I mean she didn't speak it, but she told me with her hands. Show him how, baby!"

She could see Rick deflate ever so slightly, never letting his soft smile drop, out of the corner of her eye as she pried Johanna out of her side and sat her facing Rick more squarely. Joey's head lifted to look at her mother for reassurance and Kate mimicked the action with her hand. Slowly but surely the little tiny hand lifted to her mouth and repeated the action.

Rick's face lit up and he too joined in.

"That's amazing!" He still wasn't one hundred percent sure why that was such a huge feat, but he was willing to go along with anything for the previous reaction to be repeated. "I am so proud of you, little one!"

The moniker slipped off of his tongue easily and Kate couldn't help but smile. He already had his own little name for her and she couldn't be happier. Joey slipped off Kate's lap, apparently having had enough of the conversation before running back to the kitchen to retrieve her cars.

Kate leaned forward and captured Castle's mouth in a sweet kiss.

"Hold that thought, I'll explain in just a second." She hopped off the couch, still wearing her gorgeous smile and came back with the three bowls of pasta and three glasses of water balanced on a tray with Joey following closely behind, one hand tangled in her mother's jeans and the other carrying a little red hot-wheelz car.

Kate set the tray down and put the two big glasses on the side of the coffee table closest to the couch and situated the miniature bowl and sippy cup on the other side.

"Alright, Joey! Time to eat." The little girl got up on her knees and grasped a plastic spoon and dug in to her little bowl. Castle had forgotten how cute all of the little bowls and cups and utensils were when Alexis had been that age. Joey retreated into her own little world playing with her car and eating her lunch all at once.

Kate straightened once the little girl was settled and handed Castle his bowl before taking hers and settling down next to him, thankfully much closer than before. This time there was virtually no space between them. They both ate contentedly and watched Johanna play for a few minutes before Kate spoke.

"So after today I guess you can tell that there is a little more to Joey than just silence. I told you a little bit of this in the last week, but there was so much going on and so many people going in and out I never really got the chance to fully explain. You've only really gotten bits and pieces from all over the place."

Rick nodded as he gave her his full attention.

"When she was a baby she was extremely content, or that's what I thought at the time. She cried, but definitely not as much or as loud as she should have. That was really a nonissue. We had her on such a strict schedule that it hardly mattered. I knew exactly when she was going to be hungry and when she needed a change that she never had much time to be upset anyway.

"Our first real sign of trouble was her inability to calm down when she wasn't in my arms. She threw a fit for anyone else. Again that wasn't really an issue since I was her primary caregiver. Alexis had her feelings hurt more than anyone else and it took about six months for her to be able to be alone in a room with her. That was an incredibly hard time for all of us. Everyone wanted to help and fawn over the baby, but she was having none of it. Alexis found ways to help and we all worked hard to correct Joey's problems with Alexis first. Of course they are inseparable now, but that was a terrible time.

"She took even longer to get used to Martha and my Dad. You saw her shy away from the boys and Lanie. That is still a working progress. She has attachment and anxiety issues. She refuses to ask for things and doesn't want to communicate with anyone outside of me and Alexis. Well, I take that back she does pretty well with her therapy sessions and just within the last several months has been having fully independent sessions once a week. She has those little panic attacks, like in the car today, when she gets extremely uncomfortable. In normal children, self-soothing is learned early on and they can cope with uncomfortable situations without much issue. The slightest and most mundane things sometimes set her off. It just takes patience and love and the right technique to calm her down.

"I was actually very impressed that she calmed for Alexis today as well as she did. Most of the time I have to be the one to calm her down completely. Alexis is always a big help, but today she did amazingly on her own.

"We've been trying to get her to learn signs so that she can communicate. Today was the first time she really asked or expressed anything that was not an answer to a question. That's why it was such a big deal. She is improving, it's just taken a long time to get here. She's been in therapy for just about two years. At first it was only once a week, but then it has progressively gotten more intensive as her needs change. I just don't want you to get discouraged when the bumps in the road come. Today was a win overall. It's not going to be fixed overnight, but we will get her there."

Their hands intertwined as Kate finished. She knew it was a jumbled and messy explanation, but once she started she just wanted to get it all out. She hoped that he would understand their daughter a little bit better and would realize that he wasn't the problem, but could be part of the solution.

"I love you, Kate Beckett!" The admission caught her off guard, but it was effective in gaining her full attention. "You are an extraordinary mother. I know you have told me to stop apologizing, so I will say this one and be done. I am so sorry that I left you to struggle through all of this on your own. I can't imagine all of the intense care that she needed or the crazy days you went through. I can't begin to fathom the amounts of worry that filled your everyday. I wish nothing more than to be able to go back and change what happened. I wish I could've shared your burden and your sleepless nights. I will never begin to be able to make up for all that.

"I can only offer you a promise. I promise you that I will be there for you and our girls until the end of time. I will never leave you again. I will help pick you up when you fall and offer my shoulder to carry the weight that you have carried for the last three years." The next part was spoken in a whisper as he wrapped her up in is arms and her head fell to his chest.

"You aren't alone anymore and you never will be again. We're all going to be okay, better than okay. We are going to be a family and we are all going to heal together."

Kate was shocked at the intensity of his words and it never ceased to amaze her how well he knew her. She knew they were going to be okay and her worry was forgotten when she was in his arms.

It had been the hardest three years of her life. Doing everything for Joey alone and worrying nonstop. Every day she was afraid that she would miss a sign Joey was trying to send her. She could be hurt or sick or unhappy and suffer in silence. It was a scary thought. Even more so the notion of Johanna's progress reversing. She could crawl back into her little shell and refuse Alexis or her grandparents. She jumped at the ring of her phone every time she was at the precinct in fear that something had gone terribly wrong with Joey and she hadn't been able to tell anyone. It hurt to even entertain that thought that she could be suffering alone, trapped in her own little mind.

Now everything had changed. The worry was still there, but now she had her partner. He was her equal in everything and he was willing to take the burden and carry it with her. They were a complete family now and there was nothing stopping them. For the first time she truly believed with all of her heart that everything truly was going to be okay. Johanna would heal and grow in her own time with the help of her family.

**Thank you to everyone who is reading, reviewing, and sticking with this story. Your support means the world to me! **


	13. Chapter 13

The day passed by slowly. It wasn't a therapy day and Joey had not gone to preschool because of Castle's discharge. The little family just relaxed and went with the flow of the day. Kate cleaned the kitchen while Rick napped on the couch and Joey went between playing and running, always careful not to get too close to the couch her Father slept on.

Castle was still sleeping when Kate had finished making dinner.

Alexis called earlier to say that she would be going out to dinner with some friends. Kate was glad that Alexis was getting back into her own life. For the past week she had lived to come to the hospital. She didn't even stress and over-study as she normally would. Kate hadn't known she had a test on Friday until she had said something the next day!

Kate had made burgers for herself and Rick and chicken nuggets for Joey. She put some of Johanna's favorite Orieda french fries in the oven and made some green beans as well. She had just finished setting the table and was on her way to wake Castle, when she noticed Joey was no longer playing with her doll house by the piano. The last three times Kate had checked on her little girl she had been quietly playing in the living room, the very last time she had been playing with her dolls. The stairs were gated at the bottom and most of the doors to closets and the laundry room were child proof. It only took one time of losing her silent child for about three hours for her to fix that problem real quick.

She called her name a few times and made her way through the living room looking under the coffee table and behind all of the furniture. When she was satisfied that she was not in the living room Kate moved to Castle's office.

The office and master bedroom were the rooms that had been changed the least in the last three years. Originally, Kate had not touched anything and was determined to keep everything the same. That had only lasted a few months after Joey had been born. The bedroom had been taken over with Joey and her things in the first few months of her existence. Kate could not bear to be more than a few feet away from her baby. Alexis had even opted to sleep in the master bedroom occasionally to be close to her family and help Kate the best she could.

Eventually though it had gone back to its original state with the exception of a few added pictures among those that were already placed. She hadn't washed the sheets and comforter and put them right back on the bed. The room reminded her so much of Rick and she never considered changing it.

The office had remained untouched save the picture of a baby Joey that had been added to the collection of the family. Kate sometimes reviewed case files on the desk or curled up on the couch wrapped up in her favorite fur throw. The same one that he had wrapped around her shoulders whenever she woke up from a nightmare or a case set her off on a panic attack or when she had just had a bad day. It was much more worn now, but it still had the same effect. But no matter what she was always careful to replace things as they were.

She checked under the desk, behind the couch, and everywhere she could think of and came up with nothing. She was just about to get worried when she spotted her through the door to the bedroom.

Castle was still sleeping soundly, he had only taken his medication a few hours ago. Joey was standing stock still a few feet away from the bed just staring. She did this often. Best she could tell, this is what Joey did when she couldn't wrap her little brain around something. The family joked that she looked exactly like a mini version of Beckett did when she was lost in the murder board.

Kate thought it was adorable. Her little brow was furrowed and her tiny mouth was set in a thin line. She looked as if she was trying to do a calculus problem. Occasionally, she would bite her bottom lip a trait she most definitely got from her mother.

"Hey, baby, whatcha thinking about?" Kate walked over and bent down so that she was eye level with Johanna.

The little girl acknowledged her mother with a slight tip of her head, but mainly kept studying her father.

"Alright, we should have a little chat, huh?" Kate scooped her up and tickled her sides to break the little girl out of her thoughts. Kate walked over to the armchair on the other side of the room and plopped down with Joey in her lap. She wrapped her arms around the little girl and settled back into the chair. Dinner would stay warm long enough to have this conversation.

"I know that this must be hard for you. It's hard for Mommy too, but it is no reason to be scared or nervous. You're Daddy loves you very much, we all do, and we don't want you to be unhappy. This is a good thing. Now you have even more people who love you. And do you want to know a secret?" Kate waited until Joey met her eyes before going on.

"Before you were born, Daddy was my most favorite thing in the whole world. He made me dinner, we had movie nights, played games, and read lots of books. He made me smile and laugh. He saved my life, just like a superhero, remember?

"And the best part is that Daddy wants to do all of those things with you too. He wants to be your friend and have fun with you. He can play cars and dolls with you, he would watch Frozen with you as many times as you want, he is the best blanket castle maker I have ever met, and he gives amazing hugs! He is Alexis' Daddy and he was the best one I have ever seen. You have nothing to be worried about, okay? And Mommy is going to be here with you the whole time. Everything's going to be okay. You believe me don't you?"

Joey nodded her head vigorously. She hung on her mother's every word just like always. Kate knew that a simple talk wasn't enough to make Joey suddenly okay with everything, but she was hoping that the little girl would take her words to heart and start to believe them herself. She squeezed her baby one last time before standing up and setting her on the floor.

"Ready for dinner?" Joey's face lit up and she made her hungry sign against her mouth. "That's right! Go ahead! I'll be right there. I just have to wake sleeping beauty here." In a flash Joey was bounding out of the room towards the table. Kate laughed at her excitement over a simple meal and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Rick?" She said softly as she placed her hand gently on his shoulder to rouse him. His eyes popped open much too fast for him to have been asleep and sat up in bed.

"Did you really mean all of those things you just said?"

"Of course, Castle! How can you even ask me that? You know how I feel about you. You are my best friend and the love of my life!" She kissed him softly, trying to convey all of her feelings in one simple touch.

"I guess… I just thought that after everything…you might have…"

"No, Castle, never! No matter what I will always love you and you know it." She dropped her voice back from its heightened state. "I will admit that we can't just act as if all of this never happened. We can't just ignore the three years that are between us and I know that there is a lot we still need to talk about and work out. But none of that changes the way that I feel. You have to believe that."

She kissed him again long and slow. They both knew that the last week in the hospital had been nothing compared to what it was going to take to get themselves back on track. The hospital had provided them with a bubble. In their bubble they didn't have to worry about the future or the past it was all about the moment. Now that they were back to reality it was going to take a lot to get back to where they once were.

Kate was the first to break the kiss when she felt a tiny hand on her leg. She immediately looked down to find a mini Beckett glare shooting back at her from her daughter. The little girl stood there with her hands on her hips and her lips pursed in an exact replica of her mother, the only difference being her piercing blue eyes.

"It's even worse in miniature!" Rick whispered low in her ear and they both shared a meaningful laugh.

"We're sorry, Joey. What time is it again?" She dramatically looked up at the ceiling as if she were thinking really hard. Joey immediately smiled and made her hungry sign for the third time that day.

"Oh, dinner time!" Rick and Kate shared a laugh as they marched into the kitchen arm in arm after their daughter.

Dinner was a quiet affair. They shared conversation and took turns trying to make Joey laugh. Of course, Castle really only got a glimpse of a smile before she buried her head into Kate's side. His feelings might have been hurt had it not been for all of the wonderful things he was learning about his family.

There was a whole new little mystery to solve. All throughout dinner he had picked up bits and pieces of her. It was a bit harder to read the silent girl, but she was enough like Kate for him to be pretty quick to adapt to the way she communicated. And seeing her with Kate made it even better. They were so in sync to each other and didn't even need words to get along.

Kate knew her every move before she made it and was there with a napkin or a kiss on the head or any number of little things that a three year old might need during a meal. It was amazing to watch and he vowed to make sure that he could be there for his girls in the very same way. There was a time when he was that person for Kate. He was there with a coffee, Chinese takeout, a warm bath, a comforting hand on the knee, gummy bears, or a big bear hug whenever she needed them.

He knew it would take some work to get back there with his fiancée and a whole new battle to be that for Joey. He could feel that her wall had been reconstructed, this time around herself and Joey, brick by brick in the last three years and it was killing him.

After dinner Rick did the dishes, even though Kate gave him a glare and told him to sit on the couch and rest, while Kate took Joey upstairs and changed her into her pjs.

When his girls made it back downstairs Castle was already seated on the couch with the title screen to Frozen up on the screen. Joey was looking especially cuddly in her pink and white polka dotted nightgown snuggling her stuffed elephant to her chest.

Kate took the initiative and sat down right next to Rick with only a couple of inches in between them. Joey stopped at the end of the couch. She was a little bit confused. She always sat in either her Mommies or Alexis' lap. But now it looked as if her Mommy wanted to sit with her Daddy. She was still really confused about how her Daddy was supposed to fit.

It didn't take all that long, because as soon as her Mommy sat down she opened her arms. That was all Joey needed. She hopped up onto the couch and sat as close to her mother as she could. Kate put her arms around Joey and Rick started the movie.

Rick was surprised to see that Joey stayed awake for the entire movie. In all honesty he hadn't noticed much while the movie played. It was a great movie and he had never been so shocked about who the villain turned out to be. He was sure he could hear the major eye roll he got when he freaked out about Hans being the bad guy. If he had been looking he would have seen his little girl crawling herself up into Kate's lap and settling down with her head almost covered in her elephant. No matter how many times Joey had seen the movie she always hated the sad part.

So when the credits rolled and Joey jumped off the couch and extended her hand to her Mom.

"Joey seems to have inherited Alexis' strict observance of bedtime." Kate said to Castle in explanation. "She clearly has none of Rebel Bex or 9-year old on a sugar rush in her." She laughed that beautiful sound as she scooped her daughter up and carried her up the stairs. She turned back around halfway up the stairs to call back "You comin Castle?"

He didn't want to intrude on their little bedtime ritual. He was completely content to sit in a corner and watch it all unfold, at least for tonight.

The little girl's room was a blend of light and royal blue. One entire wall was a mural of Elsa's ice castle. There was a princess canopy bed and other assorted white furniture. His favorite was a wardrobe with no door that showcased an entire row of princess costumes. If he had figured right there was one for every princess. He could already tell his daughter had a great imagination and was happy to see that she clearly believed in magic.

Joey and Kate had gone into the bathroom and had come back with minty fresh breath and brushed hair. Kate had picked her up, spun her around, and snuggled her up in a sea of blankets and pillows. The bed made her look even smaller. As Kate sat down with a book in her hand, Joey wrapped herself around her mother's leg and Rick fell in love with both of them all over again.

Kate opened the book and began reading in a soft and soothing voice.

_"Little Nutbrown Hare who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very long ears._

_He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening. _

_"Guess how much I love you", he said. _

Castle could not take his eyes off his little girl. It shocked him every day to think that he had another daughter. He wished more than anything that he could have been there for her and for Kate. The stories he had heard in the past week had been enough for him to see just how hard these years had been for her. She never said anything and the stories were always laughed at or oohhhed and ahhhed, but he could see it in her eyes.

He was her best friend. She had said it herself just a few hours ago. He hadn't been there for her when she had needed him the most. He knew that being a single parent was rough. He had done it, and while Alexis was an almost perfect child and he loved her dearly, it was the hardest thing that he had ever done.

He studied the way she clung to Kate, the way her eyelids drooped and she tried so hard to keep them open. By the end of the book she was a lost cause.

"I love you, baby." Kate whispered as she extracted herself from Joey's hands and tucked her in, careful to ensure that both her elephant and Olaf were within reach.

He waited a minute, to make sure that she really was asleep, before he stood up and wrapped his arms around her from behind.

"She's beautiful. Almost as beautiful as her mother." Kate huffed against him, but leaned back against him anyway.

"You've done such a good job with her. She is perfect, sweet, kind, smart, and extraordinary. Thank you so much!"

"Why are you thanking me?"

"For giving me this, for letting me be a part of both of your lives, and for loving me. You are my best friend and the love of my life."

They were both silent for a minute, just soaking up their little girl and being in each other's arms.

"We can't just go back to the way things were can we?" They both knew this was a ridiculous question. Three years and a baby created a gaping canyon between them.

"No, but we will get there and it will be even better than before."

Tomorrow they would have to face the world. They had meetings with Gina and Paula, the NYPD, the media would have to be told, therapy appointments and preschool would resume as normal, and the whole world would be welcomed into their little home. But tonight, it was just their little family. They would wait up on the couch for their oldest daughter to come home. They would send her off to bed with a kiss and the promise of a breakfast date in the morning. They would go through their nightly routine and wash the grime of the day down the drain before crawling in their bed together for the first time in 3 years.

It was different and it always would be. There was no going back. Neither of them could erase the other's pain. They needed to build a bridge and destroy a wall, and eventually they would heal. But tonight they would enjoy the silence.

**Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review and tell me what you think! **

**I am not completely sure about the future of this story. I am not sure if I want to end this here and continue this universe in a sequel or if I have not completed this part yet. Either way I am not done with this family! **


	14. Chapter 14

**Author's note: **

Thank you all so much for reading, following, and reviewing. I have loved every minute of it. Your kind words and encouragement mean so much to me!

I will be continuing this story in the form of a sequel: "Timidus". Check it out and tell me what you think!

Love,

mrnaylor930


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